Q. My daughter is just seventeen and has started seeing a man who is twelve years older than her. I only found out his age from my daughter’s friend who let it slip and I am very concerned about the age difference. I worry that he might exploit her or that such a relationship might distract her from her studies. When I tried to talk to my daughter about it we had a row and she told me to mind my own business. Things have been frosty between us since. Am I right to be worried?
A: As a parent, it is normal to be worried if your teenager is involved with someone much older than them and you are right to want to ensure that your daughter is safe in the relationship. However, you have to be careful how you proceed: Expressing excessive disapproval or taking a strong position against the relationship might have the impact of pushing your daughter away and making her very defensive about the relationship. Instead, it is important to try and find a way to talk sensibly with her about the issues involved. One strategy is to accept that she has a right to choose her boyfriends but as a parent you want to know that she is safe and well. You can also express your concerns about her school work and discuss with her how she can keep focused on her studies. While there is an age difference, it is not clear from what you say as to whether this relationship is having a harmful effect on your daughter. A lot depends on what this man is like, how serious the relationship is and how mature your daughter is. Without taking a stand, listen to her and help her to open up and talk about it. You could also consider asking to meet this man, as you might normally meet her boyfriends and friends. This way you might be reassured about the nature of the relationship.
Remember, your daughter is still young and relationships and friendships can change quickly. However, you will continue to be her mother and it is important to try and handle this in a way that which does not drive a wedge between you. The crucial thing is to be sensitive to your daughter’s feelings and wishes, while self-aware of your own concerns and to keep the channels of communication open between the two of you.