Positive discipline and managing difficult misbehavior Read more articles
John Sharry
Parents are often confused about how much to discipline their children. There are so many confusing messages out there about what rules you should set for children and when you should let them decide for themselves. Parents are unsure as to whether to let their children express their angry emotions or whether they should insist they keep them in check. A lot of this confusion stems from different models of parenting that have historical origins. On the one hand we have the traditional authoritarian model of parenting from the 50s which was very strict and emphasised the importance of children having respect for their elders and keeping rules. This model often had the problem of leading to children being severely treated and in the long term growing up disconnected and distant from their parents. In the 60s a different parenting model emerged that was more permissive and emphasised encouraging children to express their feelings and to feel good about themselves. This model had the drawback of letting children grow up a little directionless and without responsibility and in extreme cases being narcissistic.
In recent times there has been a lot of research into what is the best parenting model and there has been a growing consensus that it is a balanced approach to parenting that works best. You want to both to be a positive authority with your children as well as being loving, caring and close to them. You want to both teach them rules and responsibility as well as encourage them to be expressive and confident. This balanced approach is often called the authoritative model of parenting which is somewhere between the over-strict authoritarian model of the past and the looser permissive model that is more recent.
So how does this balanced authoritative model work in practice. How are you meant to deal with misbehaviour in a way that is positive and loving but which also teaches responsibility. Taken from the book Positive Parenting: Bringing up well-behaved and happy children , below are some practical tips to put this into action.. The overall aim is to help parents teach their children social responsibility in a way that maintains a close and connected relationship.
Good Discipline is about a Good Relationship
You can only discipline your children when you have positive relationship with them. Often when children misbehave the parent child relationship can be put under strain, so it is really important to take steps to build this up again. There are a lot of enjoyable ways this can be done.
Set aside special time with your child.
Make sure you have a daily time of connecting with your children. For younger children this can be 15 or 20 minutes, daily of special playtime, where you make a special effort to play with your child doing things you both enjoy, ideally letting the child choose. For older children it could be a special conversation before bedtime or when they come in from school.
Spend time actively listening to your child.
It can really help to find times where you can sit and really listen to your child, hearing about what they think and feel, really trying to understand them. This can make a real difference to your relationship.
Encourage Wanted Behaviour
Catch your child being good.
Rather than noticing bad behaviour, really go out of your way to notice the times your child behaves well. Remember what you pay attention to will happen more often.
Use clear genuine praise.
Rather than saying vague statements like ‘Good boy’, use very clear and genuine statements of praise each time your child behaves well, such as ‘I’m pleased you came in when I asked’ or ‘Thanks for cleaning your room’. Make sure your child knows exactly what you are pleased about.
Be clear about what behaviour you want.
Rather than saying ‘Don’t run in the shop’, say ‘Please keep by my side when we are in the shop’. Saying what you want, is more positive, gives children clear ideas on how to behave and is thus more likely to succeed. Even when you have to say ‘No’ to a child, you can always give him other positive options. For example, ‘No you can’t play with the computer, but why don’t you play with your new skittles’ or ‘No you can’t go over to Steve’s now but you will be able to go out after dinner.’
Encourage steps in the right direction.
Don’t just wait for perfect behaviour before you notice it, especially in the beginning encourage any small examples of good behaviour you see. For example ‘Mary I’m glad to see you get out your books to start your homework’.
Use Rewards.
Good behaviour can also be encouraged using simple rewards. E.g. ‘John Because you tidied up quickly we have time for an extra story’ or ‘When you do your homework then you can watch TV’.
Avoiding Misbehaviour
Plan Ahead.
Thinking about situations in advance can do a lot to avoid and reduce potential conflicts. For example making sure your child has brought some entertaining activities on a long train journey or planning a positive way for him to be involved in a shopping trip, could avoid tantrums and frustration.
Have Good Routines.
Good clear routines around bedtime, mealtimes, homework etc, which make it clear about what is happening and what is expected can really avoid problems. Sit down and plan the routines you want to build up in your family. Remember children can take a while to settle into new routines.
Talk Problems Through
In the long term it is best to talk problems through with children and help them find more positive ways of behaving. This is best done away from a conflict situation when everyone is calm. Remember when talking things through it is best to listen to the child first, going slowly to understand their point of view and feelings before helping them think of other ways of behaving.
Handling Misbehaviour
Press the pause button
When faced by a tantrum or other misbehaviour, the key is not ‘get hooked in’ and react in a negative way. Rather it is best to take a pause for a minute so you can think what is the best way to respond.
Don’t give too much attention to misbehaviour
Many parents inadvertently encourage some misbehaviour by giving it too much attention e.g. giving out, shouting, nagging etc. Simply ignoring a lot of misbehaviour will make it disappear or reduce in severity. Rather than getting worked up and constantly criticising your child’s whining, maybe pay it no attention and let it go over your head. Or rather than acting as a referee when your children squabble, simply pull back sometimes and let them sort it out themselves.
Assertively tell your child the rule
For misbehaviour you cant ignore ( e.g aggression) the first step is to clearly tell your child the rule. ‘John, No hitting, you must be kind to your sister’, or ‘Sarah you must use a calm voice’.
Use choices and consequences.
If your child continues to misbehave, rather than getting angry yourself, the best thing is to have a clear consequence. For example ‘If you hit again you will have to sit on the Time Out chair’ or Either you clean your toys away now or they will be taken off you for the evening – it’s your choice’ .
Be Consistent.
If you do give a child a consequence to a rule, be prepared to enforce it calmly. When they know you won’t give in, the problems will reduce. Think through how you will respond step by step to your child’s misbehaviour and keep to the plan.
Be Calm and positive
All discipline problems are best managed in a firm but calm way. When your child throws a tantrum it is very tempting to get upset or angry in return, but this can escalate matters and leave you and your child feeling upset. If you feel yourself getting angry it may be best to withdraw, calm down, and then deal with the situation.
Be kind to yourself as a parent
Though very effective, positive discipline is hard work. You need to be positive and consistent for a long time. It’s hard to do this if you feel tired or low. That’s why it is very important for parents to be kind to themselves and to look their own needs. It is important to find activities you can enjoy or relaxing, or to make sure you keep in touch with good friends and family. Basically by looking after yourself you are looking after your child. The more relaxed and refreshed you feel the more calm positive and consistent you will be.
(A version of this articles appears in the ‘zero to seven’ magazine, Sunday World, 21st Feb 2010)
John Sharry will be presenting a series of public talks for parents, starting feb 22nd 2010. Click here for details.
