Q. I have a 16 year old son and a 17 year old daughter. I recently split up from their mother after many years of problems. We had waited until the children were older so they would be better able to cope. My son, however, seems to have taken it all very badly and seems very angry and upset – he seems particularly angry at me. What should I do to help him?
A. While parents often think that older children and teenagers will be able to cope better with parental separation, this is often not the case. Children and young people of all ages can be affected and upset when their parents separate. Indeed, even young adults find themselves devastated when their parents decide to separate (parents who often been waiting until their children are older before going their separate ways). However, each child copes differently and the only way to find out what is bothering your son is to try and help him open up and talk about what he is feeling. A good idea to try and set aside time with him when you have an opportunity to chat and listen to him. It helps if you can appreciate and understand some of his negative feelings – for example he may be angry at you for leaving the relationship and at 16 he may be thinking he has to take sides or make a judgment. The key to helping him is to try and listen to him and to communicate to him that he does not have to take sides, and that both you and his mother still love him and want to be parents to him. If possible some of these explanations are best to come from you and his mother together. Young people generally, like a fair and balanced account of the reason’s for the separation – if you can explain both your own and your ex-partner’s perspective (in and age appropriate way) this can really help.
If your son continues to be upset, you may want to seek some extra help and support from him. There is a special counseling agency called Teen Between (run by the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service – MRCS) particularly designed to help young people whose parents have separated.
Finally, even though your daughter appears to be coping better with what has happened. I wouldn’t assume this- she may be hiding her feelings and not be communicating in as a direct way as her brother. For this reason, I would recommend you check in with her and support her in a similar way to you son.