My wife and I divorced one year ago now and recently I arranged contact with my five year old daughter every Saturday when I take her out for the day. However, sometimes my daughter is reluctant to come out and last week she point blank refused. I’m not sure what to do next. Would she be happier without contact with me?
It can take a long time to establish a good routine with children when parents separate. While it is easy to feel rejected at your daughter’s reluctance and to feel like giving up, the important thing is consider her long term interest - which is generally best served if you remain involved in her life and she has access to the care and love of her two parents.
Children frequently feel a divided sense of loyalty between their parents and your daughter may need to reassured that both you and her mother love her and that she does not have to choose between you. If you can, talk to your ex-wife about the problem and sit down together to reassure your daughter. In addition, there could be simple practical reasons that make her reluctant about contact. For example, if she is nervous about being away from her Mother for so long, perhaps you could arrange contact twice a week for a couple of hours rather than all day on Saturday. Or if she unhappy about where you go during contact, perhaps you could take her to somewhere she enjoys going (something simple like a trip to Grandma’s or another family member can be best). Also, be creative about how you maintain contact with your daughter. As well as taking her out, consider ringing her, sending her cards, developing shared games, or keeping a diary/ album for her that you can view each time you meet.
Finally, work hard on developing a good co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife. Be prepared to take on some of parenting tasks such as homework or driving to school, during your contact time, and offer to baby sit or mind your daughter when your ex-wife goes out. The more you can cooperate and gain the support of your ex-wife the easier it will be to maintain a good relationship with your daughter in the long term. For more ideas you can consult the book ‘When Parents Separate: Helping your children cope’ (Sharry, Reid and Donohoe) published by Veritas.