Q.My 12 year old daughter has really become a ‘demon’ at home. She used to be such a quiet child and now she is losing her temper all the time and picking a fight all the time. She wants to stay out all the time with her friends and when I insist she stays in with the family she can be come really rude. Would taking her to a counselor help and if so where can I go to get one? Also how can I make sure my daughter will attend?
A.The start of puberty and the teen years is a real time of turmoil and change and parents regularly experience increased conflict and disruption from their children during this time. The good news is that in most cases it doesn’t settle down as adolescents mature and parents learn new ways of relating to them. The key to ‘riding out the adolescent storm’ is to be both understanding and firm with your adolescent. You both listen to their concerns as well as setting rules and limits, and you make sure to keep the channels of communication open between you. Going to see a counselor can help, though generally, adolescents often don’t like to be identified as the problem and can refuse to go. An alternative approach to go and see a family therapist together, saying to your daughter that you want to find ways of making things better between you. A family therapist will see you and your daughter together and help you communicate in a way that can reduce the conflict and resolve any underlying issues. There are a network of child adolescent mental health services throughout the country which offer assessment as well as individual and family therapy. Your GP will be able to make a referral. However, depending on where you live, waiting lists for these services can be quite long. An alternative is to seek support privately, through organizations like the Clanwilliam Institute (01 6761363)) or Arduna (01 8332733) in Dublin who specialise in working with adolescents and families. In addition, you could consult, the Family Therapy Association of Ireland who have a full list of accredited family therapists in Ireland (www.psychotherapy-ireland.com). If you find reading helpful, there are also guidelines on reducing conflict and communicating with adolescents in my book Bringing up responsible teenagers (Veritas, 2001).