Q. There is something going on for my 14 year old daughter that she is not telling me. She has become very secretive and does not tell the full details of where she has been when out. I think she might have a boyfriend and is hiding this from me as she knows I think she is far too young. She keeps a diary that she writes in everyday and I am tempted to read it when she is out to find out what is going on for her.
A. While your concerns for your daughter are understandable, and you are right to want to find out what is going on for her, taking the step to read her diary without her permission could be the wrong move. It is likely to be experienced as a invasion of privacy or a breach of trust by your daughter. And even if you found out something in the diary, how could you use this constructively without driving your daughter even further away? Instead, the best way to approach the problem is to try and find ways of talking to your daughter and to re-open the channels of communication with her. Pick a time to sit down with her and to explain your worries, but most important take time to listen and hear what is going on for her. If she does have a boyfriend try and think through how you can handle this. If you immediately disapprove outright this could close down communication and she could continue to see the boyfriend without your permission (putting her at greater risk). Instead think through what is it that you disapprove of (are you worried she might become sexually active, or are you worried a boyfriend will distract her from her school work). Be specific about these worries with your daughter, listen to her point of view and explore things you can both agree upon (e.g seeing the boyfriend at certain times, making sure you meet him etc). It is also OK for you to set boundaries with your daughter – for example it is not OK for her to go out without telling you clearly where she is going or who she is with.
The important thing is to be patient with your daughter and to take time to talk with her to help her think through her decisions and actions.