Q: My seven year old son, spends every second weekend (Friday to Sunday evening) with his father, my ex-husband. (We separated 18 months ago.) When he comes back from the visits he doesn’t talk to me about what went on over the weekend and he is often very tired and upset and it can take a few days for him to get back to his routine. Should I change his access with his father, perhaps shortening the visit. I know his father will object to this.
A: Even though children really benefit from contact with both separated parents, they are often unsettled at the transition time (e.g. before or after the contact) which may bring up painful memories of the separation. Usually, this settles down as children get older and they adjust to the routine and become reassured by the support of both parents. It is also very normal for children not to talk much about their visits. Often they have a sense of torn loyalty and are worried about saying something that will offend one parent. It is best to adopt a non-pressure approach, giving children space to chat and talk about their feelings but not putting them under pressure to give details about your ex-husband.
I wouldn’t recommend shortening the visits as this curtails the benefits of contact with his father. (Indeed, some of your son's upset could be caused by the fact that the visits are too infrequent and he would be more settled if his father had more regular contact.) However, it is worth thinking through how you can make the transition times more settled for your son. Ideally, it would be best if you could discuss this with his father and agree a plan. For example, it is common that separated fathers, out of a wish to pack as many ‘good times’ in as possible make the weekend a very intense experience for their child. It might be better for his father to include a ‘wind down’ period at the end of the visit or to take on board some of the preparation of your son for school the next day. In addition, you could consider adjusting the contact to more frequent shorter visits as opposed to a long weekend every two weeks, which would make your son's contact with his father more regular and normal. While it can be hard to negotiate these things, the simple truth is that the more you and your ex-husband can agree on a co-parenting plan that is focused on your son's needs the more able he will be to settle and adjust.