Neurodiversity and the Family
An Irish Times series by John Sharry

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom – Aristotle

As well as being immensely rewarding and satisfying, parenting can be one of the most challenging and stressful roles we take on in our lives.

In studies, a parent dealing with a child’s meltdown experiences a higher level of real-time stress than an air traffic controller dealing with a near miss. Because we so love and are invested in our children our deepest emotions, positive and negative, are evoked as we parent.

Our childhood experiences and how we were parented ourselves, as well as our values and beliefs, come strongly to bear on our parenting and we are easily triggered by our children’s words, actions and feelings. A critical comment from our own children can wound us in a profound way, just as a loving comment can bring us immense joy and satisfaction.

As we embark on the parenting journey we are called to empathically understand our children but we are equally challenged to empathically understand ourselves. In the first article we discussed how important it was to develop a compassionate understanding of your children’s needs and strengths. It is equally important to become self-aware of your own needs and the strengths of your parenting.

When faced by a challenge such as a struggling or anxious child, as well as empathically understanding what is going on for your child, it is important to reflect about what is going on for you as a parent:

• What is triggered in you as you respond?
• Where do your reactions come from?

This self-awareness is the key to becoming an effective parent. Indeed, one of the great benefits of becoming a parent is the journey of self-discovery it brings.

Neurodiversity and parenting
Neurodistinct (ND) conditions such as autism, ADHD and dyslexia are genetic and hereditary. This means that most ND children have a parent who is ND also – whether they have a diagnosis or not. Indeed, it is often during the process of their child’s assessment that many parents wonder about their own neurodiovergence and are motivated to explore this possibility either formally or informally. In anonymous surveys of parents attending my “parenting exceptional children” courses, 79 per cent say they are or think they might be neurodivergent in some way and 85 per cent think the other parent might be.

Without necessarily seeking a formal diagnosis, I encourage parents to explore and embrace their neurodiversity as this increases their self-understanding and can improve their relationship with their ND child. Many of the ND children I have spoken to over the years tell me they don’t like their diagnosis, not because they disagree with how it describes them but because it makes them feel different in the family – ND children can feel sidelined in the family as “the autistic or ADHD one”.

Sharing with your children how you might also be ND or have a similar way of thinking and processing the world can help them feel more connected to you and included in the family. A sense that “Dad is ADHD too” or that “Mum has particular sensory preferences too” can help a child feel more bonded in the family. Even when parents have different ND traits from their children an open discussion about family neurodiversity can help children feel better – “you know the way you like to chill by dancing to loud music, I’m the opposite and need a few moments quiet to calm myself”.

Being self-aware of family ND differences can help you understand conflicts and challenges as they arise. For example, you may be an autistic mum who often prefers a quiet evening routine to regulate after a busy day, struggling with an active ADHD son who needs high-energy physical activity and chatting time as part of his routine. Or you may be a highly social ADHD dad who loves family social events and finds it frustrating when his autistic daughter is stressed and overwhelmed.

Appreciating a parent’s neurodiversity can have a profound impact on everyone in the family. I was working with a father whose son was struggling in school and was being assessed for ADHD. The father was initially critical of his son, feeling he just needed to “knuckle down” and apply himself – however, putting pressure on his son drove a wedge between them.

When I gave the father space to talk about what was going on for him, it turned out he had a similar experience in school and had “dropped out” and had a lifelong feeling he had “failed”– he didn’t want his son to “repeat [his] mistakes”. As he told his own story the father realised he might also have ADHD and this helped him develop a more compassionate view of both himself and his son. Rather than their education challenges being failings on their part, it was simply that the structures in school didn’t support their way of learning. He became focused on ensuring his son’s wellbeing and advocating for him to get better supports in school. The two of them developed a special bond over both being ADHD and as they explored their passions for biking and outdoor pursuits.

This changed perspective also transformed the father’s relationship with his wife, who now understood her husband better and really appreciated his increased positive involvement with their son, which considerably reduced her own stress.

Identifying your own needs as a parent
Whether you are neurotypical or neurodivergent, it is really important to identify your individual preferences and needs as a parent. A good way to start this is to consider your sensory preferences and needs. What sensory experiences do you love and which ones do you hate? Which sensory experiences regulate or relax you and which ones distress or agitate you? People have very different sensory profiles and something that deeply relaxes you may agitate another parent. For example, you may:

• like to work in silence or prefer some background noise to keep your attention;
• need a clean, ordered house to feel relaxed or prefer some “mess” with everything in sight;
• like to chat to boost your energy or you may find talking to others tires you out;
• find a deep hug calming when upset or you may need some physical space to compose yourself.

Your sensory preferences will vary depending on context and what you can manage in the moment. The important thing is to not judge or deny what works best for you and instead to compassionately understand your needs.

When your needs come into conflict with your children’s needs, it is important not to immediately override your own. Instead, it is worth taking a pause to consider whether there is a way to respond to your child’s needs while making sure you meet your own.

Although you sometimes have to sacrifice your own needs to support your children, you have to be careful to not overdo this and end up overstressing yourself to the extent you can no longer meet anyone’s needs. It takes a lot of time and often trial and error to think through how you might creatively adapt to your child’s needs while meeting your own.

One mother I worked with who used to meet her needs in a highly social job where she was out and about all day was very challenged by parenting three young kids and felt lonely and depressed during the day at home with them. We worked on a series of “physical resets” she could punctuate the day with to boost energy and wellbeing – these included doing a music and dance session with the kids, scheduling a time to take everyone out for a playground trip, phoning a friend, doing weight exercises, putting on a face mask, engaging in her own interests when the children were napping or had screentime (rather than striving to “be productive” or engaging in housework). She also increased creative activities at home that she too enjoyed, sorting family photos and making collages with the kids.

When co-parenting, sharing the parenting tasks according to respective needs and strengths can make life more manageable. One mother found the executive function demands of organising and providing daily meals for children really overwhelming. To manage, the father took over grocery shopping and brought the children out for the afternoon every Saturday and she batch cooked for the week in a quiet kitchen. This played to both parents’ strengths: she liked having quiet time and being alone at home and the creativity of putting together a set of meals; her husband liked getting out of the house, doing messages and being on the move. This helped both feel regulated and recharged.

This article is the second of a four-part series on “Neurodiversity and Families” originally published in the Irish Times in October 2026. Part 1 is here and Part 3 is here. The final article in the series will be published on Tuesday, Nov 3^rd and looks beyond diagnosis and embracing difference. John writes in the Irish Times every second Tuesday.

John runs a limited number of courses and workshops for parents each year, including ‘Motivating your ADHD Children and Teens’ ‘Parenting Exceptional Children’, ‘Exceptional Parents’ and more. See here for bookings and information.