Articles by John Sharry
Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Family stress and poor sleeping patterns are associated with many problems: obesity, physical illness, poor performance in school and increased behavioural problems. While the exact reasons for this are not clear, it makes sense that a child or parent who is chronically tired or stressed is less likely to have the energy to exercise and … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 5: Getting Enough Sleep and Rest
Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Over the last five weeks of this series we have looked at the habits of healthy and happy families, and now we conclude with the most important habit of all: taking time to nurture our family relationships. The closer we are to the people we love, the more happy we feel and the greater our … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 6: Nurturing Family Relationships
Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
In the past 20 years the use of technology has invaded family life. Whereas previously there was only the TV to contend with, now we have the internet, video games and smart phones all interrupting family life. When I first started clinical work with families, the number one battle for parents was to get their … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 4: Managing Screens and Technology at Home
Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Essentially, an unhealthy lifestyle is down to a set of poor habits. We become accustomed to repeated daily patterns of behaviour and lose sight of the quality of the lifestyle we are living. Whether this is the habit of putting sugar in our coffee or always eating a chocolate bar after lunch or driving rather … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 2: Replacing Bad Habits with Good Ones
Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
People are spending less time preparing food and less time eating together with loved ones in their family. Frequently, parents are eating at different times to their children, or mealtimes are rushed or eaten in front of a screen. It is not uncommon now to see whole families eating in silence together in restaurants as … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 3: Enjoying Mealtimes Together
Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
Despite more widespread access to health information than ever before, our nation’s health is much poorer than a generation ago. Children and adults live increasingly sedentary lifestyles, dominated by screens and disconnected from the outdoors and the natural world. Our collective diet has deteriorated drastically. We are home-cooking less, eating fewer vegetables and consuming much … Continue reading Healthy Families Series Part 1: Bringing Up Happy, Healthy Children
Should I listen to my friend’s advice on my baby’s sleep habits?
QUESTION We have a seven-month-old son who is very placid and content. He was breastfed exclusively up until we started introducing solids at 5½ months and two weeks ago, we started introducing formula feeds and weaning him off the breast. All of this is going very well. Our concern arises over his sleep routine and, … Continue reading Should I listen to my friend’s advice on my baby’s sleep habits?
I dread going back to work and leaving my baby
QUESTION I am the mother of a gorgeous eight-month-old boy and am due to go back to work at the end of January. I am totally confused about whether to take extra parental leave. On the one hand, although it has been hard, overall I have really loved being at home with my son. The … Continue reading I dread going back to work and leaving my baby
I can’t love anyone, not even my baby
QUESTION I have just become a father and am finding it hard to feel much for my four-month-old daughter. I am very fond of her, but I don’t feel anything profound towards her. I feel pretty bad about it all and very guilty. Basically, I don’t think I can form emotional attachments. I’ve tried to … Continue reading I can’t love anyone, not even my baby
My daughter is making strange with her dad
QUESTION My one-year-old daughter has spent the past six months without her father because he has had to work away. He has recently returned home and our daughter is very nervous around him. As you can imagine, she is very attached to me but with my husband coming home this attachment has increased to the … Continue reading My daughter is making strange with her dad
I’m a new mum, my family are bombarding me with advice!
QUESTION: I’m a mother for the first time, to a beautiful daughter who is now six months old. My problem is that I’m being constantly bombarded by advice from my family. My mother and father, my husband’s mother, and my sisters all pitch in with advice about how to raise my daughter. It’s driving me crazy, as … Continue reading I’m a new mum, my family are bombarding me with advice!
Weaning and working: how do I wind down breastfeeding?
QUESTION I am wondering when and how I should start to wean my five-month-old son. I have been breastfeeding him from birth and this has all gone well but I am due to go back to work part-time in three months and need to get him ready for this. I’m not sure whether to stop … Continue reading Weaning and working: how do I wind down breastfeeding?
Anxiety in Pregnancy: I worry that I won’t be a good mother
QUESTION: I am expecting my first child in three months and my partner and I are over the moon. We had a few problems conceiving and were overjoyed when it finally happened. However, in recent months I find myself growing increasingly anxious about becoming a mother and I have even woken up at night worrying about … Continue reading Anxiety in Pregnancy: I worry that I won’t be a good mother
Our baby won’t settle if his dad puts him to bed
Q: I have a baby son who is 11 months old. He can be very clingy with me and reject his dad, especially when he is going to sleep at night. He always insists that I put him to bed and if his father tries to do this, he screams and shouts until I come up … Continue reading Our baby won’t settle if his dad puts him to bed
My seven month old will only go back to sleep if I feed him
Q: My seven-month-old son has started to wake a few times a night and I am exhausted. He used to be a relatively good sleeper and for about a month he slept through the night. Then he got sick and we were comforting him at night; now he continues to wake. The only thing that helps him … Continue reading My seven month old will only go back to sleep if I feed him
How can I rebuild bonds with my 14 month old?
Q: I separated from my wife two years ago when my daughter was 14 months old. It was a difficult time, with a lot of conflict with my wife, and I did not see my daughter for a few months. About four months ago I got back into regular contact with my daughter through the courts, … Continue reading How can I rebuild bonds with my 14 month old?
I want to see more of my baby. What are my legal rights?
QUESTION I am a separated father and my daughter is 10 months old. My relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended, and then she discovered she was pregnant. Since my daughter was born, things have been difficult with my ex and she allows me to see my daughter for only one or two hours each week. I … Continue reading I want to see more of my baby. What are my legal rights?
New dad: I’m struggling to cope
QUESTION: My wife and I have a baby boy, who is four months old, and I am struggling to cope. I’m under pressure at work and there is pressure at home, minding the baby. My wife, understandably, is consumed by minding our son and is frustrated with me for not helping out more. I feel guilty … Continue reading New dad: I’m struggling to cope
New Baby: We are fighting all the time
Q: My husband and I have a beautiful eight-month-old baby, but the problem is that my husband and I just seem to be fighting all the time. I feel alone and isolated minding the baby at home and he still expects me to do most of the housework. I appreciate that he is under a lot of … Continue reading New Baby: We are fighting all the time
My 14 month old is slapping and hitting
Q: I have a 14-month-old baby boy who has recently started slapping and hitting. This happens to everyone who gets at all close to him or within reach. He doesn’t seem to slap aggressively. It’s more in a playful way but, having said that, he can slap quite hard. We tell him ‘Don’t slap’, and say he … Continue reading My 14 month old is slapping and hitting
Tantrums in the middle of the night
Q. My 21-month-old baby has never been the best sleeper but recently it has been getting worse. He always used to wake up at night but we could generally placate him quickly and get him back to sleep in his cot, or occasionally by taking him into our bed. However, recently, he has been waking up in a much more distressed state and won’t settle easily. Frequently, he demands to get up and out of the bedroom and if we stop him he can throw an almighty tantrum.
My baby has started to make strange
Q. My four-month-old daughter is making strange. I understand this is quite early as it is usually six to nine months. She is a happy little one as long as I am in sight or if she’s on my knee. She particularly gets very upset when anyone else changes her nappy: is this because she expects to see me? It is very upsetting to watch as she is normally the happiest little person, but I admit this is in the safe environment of her own home and with me there.
I worry about spiralling back into depression
Q. I am a mother to two children aged three and seven months. They are lovely children but I am finding it hard to cope. The long days get to me and I find myself at 9am, having been up for three hours already, wondering how I am going to get through the rest of the day. My husband is supportive, though he is under great pressure in his work and can only do so much. I did suffer from depression on the birth of my first child, but this time I thought things were going better.
Toddler is waking several times a night wanting a bottle
Q. My 22-month-old daughter has started to become unsettled at night. She has never been a good sleeper but we thought we were getting out of the woods until a few months ago when she developed a chest infection. As expected, she would wake a lot during those nights and the only thing that would comfort her was to give her a bottle and take her into our bed. Now she is fully recovered but she continues to wake several times a night and demands a bottle.
My toddler won’t eat for me. What can i do?
Q. I have an 18-month-old child who refuses to eat any dinners for me. In the beginning I put it down to teething and several ear infections, but after five months of this I am getting very frustrated. I am trying every approach and nothing is working. I have tried to leave the food in front of her and not take any notice of whether she eats it or not.
How to help baby sleep through the night
Q. My seven-month-old son has started to wake a few times a night and I am exhausted. He used to be a relatively good sleeper and for about a month he slept through the night. Then he got sick and we were comforting him at night; now he continues to wake.
My child hates the bath
Q. A few weeks ago, we put our little girl of 18 months in a bath that was probably a bit hot for her. Ever since she seems to be afraid of getting in the bath and cries uncontrollably. Do you have any suggestions on how to get around this?
Competitive Parenting
“It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else.” Henri Matisse
I’m jealous of my daughter’s relationship with her minder
Q. I have a 17-month-old daughter who is looked after by a childminder Monday to Friday as I work full- time. I would have preferred not to have to work full-time, but have no choice really due to a big mortgage and trying to pay the bills. The minder has two children of her own who are in primary school, so my daughter has the minder to herself in the mornings. My daughter is well cared for and seems to be very happy when she is there.
Keeping a Happy Relationship After Children
AS WELL as bringing lots of joy, the arrival of children actually increases the stress on the parents’ relationship.
Our baby wakes every night
Q. I have a query in relation to the dreaded sleep problem for our one-year-old son. He keeps waking up around 2am and finds it impossible to go back to sleep. He is not wide awake but seems to be unable to settle himself back to sleep. We have tried to stay in the room and pat his back or even bring him into our bed. Although he might stop crying after a while, he still finds it very difficult to settle and keeps tossing and turning.
We argue over the best way to parent
‘Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.’
Henry Ford
Sleep: Finding a way that works for baby and you
IN MY WORK with new parents the number-one stress they report is sleep or rather the lack of it. Dealing with a baby who is not sleeping at night is by far the most common challenge for new parents, which is all the more difficult for sleep-deprived parents who are coping with the pressures of getting to work or minding other children.
Building children’s self esteem and confidence
‘Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.’ -Sigmund Freud
Secondary Infertility: Trying to conceive a second baby is causing strain
Q: I am a mother of a beautiful two-year-old daughter, who will be three in a month, and though I would dearly love another baby, I am having trouble conceiving. My husband and I always imagined having a family of three or more children and I particularly wanted to have my children close together. I am … Continue reading Secondary Infertility: Trying to conceive a second baby is causing strain
Post Natal Depression: Tips for new fathers dealing with depression
TWO LARGE studies published in the US and Australia have shown that up to 10 per cent of fathers experience depression on the arrival of a new baby. This is twice the normal rate of depression for men at other times and similar to the rates of depression for mothers, suggesting men also experience some form of postnatal depression.
The study authors argue for this to be more widely recognised and for specific supports to be offered to new fathers as well as to mothers.
Our baby still wakes at night and we are exhausted.
Q. My 14-month-old son has never been a great sleeper but it seems to be worse lately. He tends to wake up at about 2am and finds it impossible to go back to sleep. We have tried staying in the room and patting his back and so on, and even bringing him into our bed. Although he might stop crying after being brought to our bed, he still finds it very difficult to settle and keeps tossing and turning and keeps us awake.
My son is being very difficult since we had the new baby
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Egg Donation: Should I tell my kids how they were conceived?
Q: I would very much appreciate your advice. We have twins, four years old, conceived using an anonymous donor’s eggs. We have always felt that they should be told the truth about how they were conceived. I would be very grateful for any advice you would have for us. Is it still felt that it is best to tell the children how they were conceived, even though they will never be able to trace the donor? At what age is it best to begin to tell children? Are there any books/web resources available that would help in this process?
My 4 year old is jealous of the baby
Q. I have a four-year-old daughter and I find we are in constant battle with each other. Everything from getting dressed in the morning to meal times is met with constant whining and arguments. She spends a lot of time with her grandmother and, being the only grandchild until recently, she was used to getting undivided attention at home and at her gran’s. However, since my three-month-old son has been born, I have not been able to give her the same level of time, and our relationship has become very difficult and strained.
I yearn for a baby girl in a house full of boys
Q: I have four beautiful children, all boys, aged eight, six, four and 14 months, who are all doing well. I know I should be happy with my lot, but I am constantly obsessing about not having a daughter, which I always hoped for. I became very depressed after the birth of my third boy and I put this down to being disappointed at not having a girl. We went on to have a fourth child and this was down to me pressurising my husband to try again. He was initially dead set against having a fourth, but gave in when he saw how much it meant to me.
My toddler bit me
Q. We have just had a new baby son and all is going well. We have an older girl (21 months) who loves her baby brother and gives him lots of hugs and kisses and shows him so much affection. However, there is just one thing that she started yesterday and that was biting. She was being a bit rough with baby and I asked her to be gentle and she tried to bite me. I did the whole calming talk and told her biting was bold and we just moved on with what we were doing.
How will my husband cope with our clingy baby?
Q: My youngest son, who is 12 months old, is very clingy to me. I am a full-time mum, so he is with me more or less all the time. This is particularly during the evening when he will let only me put him to bed. When his father tries to take over, he can become really distressed and calls out for me. As a result, it has always just been easier for me to put him to bed while my husband settles the two older children.
My mother-in-law is very opinionated about my parenting
Q. Would you have any advice in dealing with in-laws? I have a three-year-old and a 13-month-old. The problem is my mother-in-law constantly comes over unannounced and she spends lots of time here. It wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t always giving her tuppenceworth in how I rear my kids, particularly on how I manage my three-year-old’s tantrums and whinging. Frequently, she makes really critical comments, such as the other morning when she came over and said, “Are they not dressed yet?” to suggest somehow I was disorganised.
Can my alcoholic father-in-law be trusted with a new baby?
Q.We are expecting our first child, and as we both work, we have begun discussing the various options available to us for day care. The main issue that has cropped up is how to collect our child from day care around our work schedules. One option is to ask my father-in-law. He is free on weekdays and all too happy to help out. However, he is an alcoholic. He lost his career because of it, and has on numerous occasions let his son down by being drunk.
My child is scared of the bath
Q. My daughter, who is just 11 months old, slipped in the bath the other day and got a scare. I was right there with her at the time so she was fine, just a bit upset. However, now she does not want to get in the bath anymore. I don’t want to force the issue with her, but what can I do to reintroduce the bath to her?
How can I get my 3 year old to be gentle with the new baby?
Q: My three-year-old son can be really aggressive with his little brother (eight months). He seems to get great fun out of upsetting him. It starts out with him being boisterous with his little brother or saying he wants to “play” with him, but then it gets out of hand and I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop or to be gentle he still keeps coming back to tease his brother. Lately, I have been worried about leaving the two of them alone in the room together, because when I come back a moment later the baby might be crying.
Are long creche hours harming my child?
Q. I am a working mother in a business that expects me to put in long hours. As a result, my 18-month-old son spends long hours in his creche – 7.30am-6pm some days. My husband also works long hours and we try to share the drop-off and collection. I am not totally happy with the situation but my work won’t let me reduce my hours or have flexible working. Like most people we are caught into paying mortgages and bills.