Articles by John Sharry
My 16-year-old is self-harming
Q. I have just discovered that my 16-year-old daughter has been harming herself by cutting her arms. I had noticed some marks, which she tried to explain away before finally admitting it. She says she does not know why she does it but that she just gets so frustrated about things. My husband and I are very upset about it as we did not know anything was wrong.
How can I stick to the rules with my teenager?
Q: One of the difficulties I have with my 14-year-old daughter is sticking to what I say. For example, my daughter did something that I was clear about her not being allowed to do. So I told her she was grounded for the week. After two days of being grounded she said she was sorry and learned her lesson (there just happened to be a party she wanted to go to the next day). She then went on to explain why I should allow her to get off being grounded – and, to tell the truth, it was really logical. So after an internal struggle I said okay.
How do i deal with mum’s drinking without losing the kids?
Q. You recently wrote about a mother dealing with her ex’s drinking and I wondered how many men are in a similar position. I know I am. Mum drinks at home four or five nights a week, either on her own or with friends. The kids, who are teenagers, are watching this all the time. I protest about it and am told to mind my own business and threatened with separation and/or being thrown out of the house. The kids are now losing patience with it and get very cheeky with their mother when she has had a few drinks.
I feel guilty about shouting at my children
Q. If you have shouted or behaved badly with your children in the past, does this cause any long-term damage or is it possible to undo this negative experience with increased positive experiences? In the past I was very stressed as a parent, and though I never hit them, I used to get into constant rows with my children, especially my older son (now 16). In recent times, I have tried to be a bit more positive, which I do find works a lot better. However, I now find myself feeling really guilty about the way I behaved.
How do I explain my wife’s depression to the children?
Q. My wife has always suffered on and off from depression. This would often get worse when our children were born ( two boys and a girl, aged 8,6 and 5) but in recent years she has been coping well. We have supportive extended family on both sides and she works part-time. She has been on medication for the last six years and this has seemed to help her and she has been the full -time carer of the children in the home.
Parenting Teenagers: ‘Navigating the Teenage Storm’
Being a parent is a bit like being the captain on a long boat or plane journey with your children. You start the journey with destination in mind and a navigation plan, but throughout the journey you can get thrown off course by different challenges and problems much in the same way as a plane is put off course by the weather or other air traffic.
Parenting Teenagers: ‘Checking in with your Teenager’
In last week’s article we considered the experience of becoming a teenager and the often ‘stormy’ consequences for parents and teenagers alike.
One of my twins is so cheeky
Q. I have twin daughters of six years old. One of them never follows instructions or does what she is told. She will spend ages debating, being cheeky and arguing when you ask her something, and it can be very tiring. As a result, I find myself getting really annoyed at her. When she does not get what she wants, she begins to cry and scream. We put her outside the room to get her to stop but she keeps coming back in. Then she asks for a hug in order to stop crying and screaming.
My 11 year old son has been looking at adult sites online
Q. We have a family PC in the living room and the children use it for homework and games and we always supervise their use. Reviewing the history the other day I discovered that my eldest son who is 11 years old was looking at adult sites – when he put in the term “sex” in Google. He must have been doing it when we were briefly out of the room.
How can I help my 8 year old son with ADHD?
Q. I’m looking for advice on how to deal with a temperamental eight-year-old boy who can be really challenging. He can be impulsive, inattentive, disobedient and unable to accept responsibility for bad behaviour. We took him to a psychologist who said he had significant ADHD/ADD symptoms, which fits with what we were experiencing. We decided not to pursue this further as we did not want to put him on medication. But we are looking for advice on how to manage his behaviour.
My triplets gang up on me
Q. We have four children, a 10-year-old girl and triplets (two boys and one girl). I look after them full-time at home and their father works full-time. I have just spent a weekend from hell with them. Their father went away for the weekend to visit his family. They were acting up all weekend and I had no support. I live in Dublin away from my family and dont know my neighbours. By the end of it I wanted to run away, I even packed a bag, passport, the whole lot. When my husband got home, he got me to calm down and we agreed we needed support.
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 1
‘Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.’
Aristotle
‘How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it?’
Marcus Aurelius
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 2
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
Emotionally Intelligent Relationships: Part 3
‘Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.’
Goethe
How do I explain war and murder to my 6yr old?
Q. I am looking for advice on how best to explain to my six-year-old child about all the bad news you hear on the radio or in the newspaper. During the day I often have the radio on and she has begun to listen in and try to work out what is being said. When the news comes on and there is a serious road traffic accident, or a report of a murder or the conflict in Syria, she will ask me what they are talking about and expect me to explain.
What should we tell our son about his diagnosis of Dyspraxia?
Q. Our seven-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia – this came as no surprise as he has always struggled with co-ordination and his social skills are poor. What I would like to know is how we should tell him about his condition or should we just wait until he’s older?
Stranger Danger: How can I teach safety without scaring my child?
Q. In our area there was a concern that a strange man was approaching and talking to children at a local playground. The report was that he was trying to lure them away from the playground. The police were called and, though there was no one arrested they issued a general warning that we should all be careful in the local area and make sure to warn our children of the dangers from strangers and so on. My question is: how much you should talk to children about “stranger danger”.
Tantrums in the middle of the night
Q. My 21-month-old baby has never been the best sleeper but recently it has been getting worse. He always used to wake up at night but we could generally placate him quickly and get him back to sleep in his cot, or occasionally by taking him into our bed. However, recently, he has been waking up in a much more distressed state and won’t settle easily. Frequently, he demands to get up and out of the bedroom and if we stop him he can throw an almighty tantrum.
My baby has started to make strange
Q. My four-month-old daughter is making strange. I understand this is quite early as it is usually six to nine months. She is a happy little one as long as I am in sight or if she’s on my knee. She particularly gets very upset when anyone else changes her nappy: is this because she expects to see me? It is very upsetting to watch as she is normally the happiest little person, but I admit this is in the safe environment of her own home and with me there.
Should I let my 13 year old go to the teenage disco?
Q. There is a teenage disco in our local area and my 13-year-old daughter is very keen to go. Though it seems to be well organised and just targeted at first years, I feel a bit reluctant to let her go. I might be a bit old-fashioned and just think 13 is too young. I also worry about what goes on at these discos with the way the girls dress in an over-sexualised way and all that might go on with the boys. My daughter is a sensible girl who hasn’t given me much trouble.
My easy-going 14 year old has no interest in schoolwork
Q: I have a 14-year-old son who is a lovely easy-going child by nature, but he has absolutely no interest in school. He is in second year at the moment and is scraping by. His teachers say he never stops talking in class and he has constant notes in his journal about missing books, unfinished homework, etc.
I worry about spiralling back into depression
Q. I am a mother to two children aged three and seven months. They are lovely children but I am finding it hard to cope. The long days get to me and I find myself at 9am, having been up for three hours already, wondering how I am going to get through the rest of the day. My husband is supportive, though he is under great pressure in his work and can only do so much. I did suffer from depression on the birth of my first child, but this time I thought things were going better.
My teenager has panic attacks, how can I help her?
Q. My daughter, who is just 15, has always been a bit of a worrier. Just about anything can make her anxious. Recently, things have got a little worse and now she occasionally suffers with panic attacks. Could you please give some tips on how to deal with them?
Toddler is waking several times a night wanting a bottle
Q. My 22-month-old daughter has started to become unsettled at night. She has never been a good sleeper but we thought we were getting out of the woods until a few months ago when she developed a chest infection. As expected, she would wake a lot during those nights and the only thing that would comfort her was to give her a bottle and take her into our bed. Now she is fully recovered but she continues to wake several times a night and demands a bottle.
My toddler won’t eat for me. What can i do?
Q. I have an 18-month-old child who refuses to eat any dinners for me. In the beginning I put it down to teething and several ear infections, but after five months of this I am getting very frustrated. I am trying every approach and nothing is working. I have tried to leave the food in front of her and not take any notice of whether she eats it or not.
How to help baby sleep through the night
Q. My seven-month-old son has started to wake a few times a night and I am exhausted. He used to be a relatively good sleeper and for about a month he slept through the night. Then he got sick and we were comforting him at night; now he continues to wake.
My child hates the bath
Q. A few weeks ago, we put our little girl of 18 months in a bath that was probably a bit hot for her. Ever since she seems to be afraid of getting in the bath and cries uncontrollably. Do you have any suggestions on how to get around this?
My daughter has been sexting
Q. The other night when my daughter, who is 16, went out, she left her phone behind. I know I shouldn’t have, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked through her texts. I just wanted to check she was okay because she hasn’t been communicating a lot with me lately. However, I was shocked at what I discovered. On the phone were a number of explicit sexual texts between her and a boy in the local area.
What rules should I have around technology for my teenagers?
Q. I have three children aged 16, 14 and 11. What rules should I set around using technology in the home? They seem to always be either watching TV, on the tablet, using the Wii or texting friends. They’re technology obsessed. They would spend the whole day on their devices if I let them. Sometimes I come in from work and all three of them are on a screen of some sort and it is hard to get a word out of them.
My son blames me for the separation
Q. I separated from my husband just under two years ago, mainly due to his drinking and gambling. It has been a hard couple of years though things are a lot better now. My ex has got his act together. He lives with his mother, has stopped drinking and gambling and sees the children regularly. The problem is my oldest son who turned 13 last month. He has become really cheeky and disrespectful to me at home. He has been really critical of me and everything I do.
Competitive Parenting
“It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else.” Henri Matisse
I’m jealous of my daughter’s relationship with her minder
Q. I have a 17-month-old daughter who is looked after by a childminder Monday to Friday as I work full- time. I would have preferred not to have to work full-time, but have no choice really due to a big mortgage and trying to pay the bills. The minder has two children of her own who are in primary school, so my daughter has the minder to herself in the mornings. My daughter is well cared for and seems to be very happy when she is there.
Keeping a Happy Relationship After Children
AS WELL as bringing lots of joy, the arrival of children actually increases the stress on the parents’ relationship.
Our baby wakes every night
Q. I have a query in relation to the dreaded sleep problem for our one-year-old son. He keeps waking up around 2am and finds it impossible to go back to sleep. He is not wide awake but seems to be unable to settle himself back to sleep. We have tried to stay in the room and pat his back or even bring him into our bed. Although he might stop crying after a while, he still finds it very difficult to settle and keeps tossing and turning.
Tips for healthy eating in young children
Have you ever worried as to whether your preschooler is eating enough vegetables? Or have you ever battled with your toddler to eat his dinner? If so, you are definitely not alone as worries about children’s eating habits are one of the most frequently reported problems in the early years.
My 16 year old has been cyberbullied
Q. My 16-year-old daughter had become quite withdrawn and irritable the past few weeks. She eventually told me that she was picked on and bullied by another girl online. This girl is from around the area but goes to another school. She had met a boy at a disco a few months go and dated him a few times. He was an ex-boyfriend of this girl and she posted some nasty stuff about my daughter online.
Should I let my 13 year old on Facebook?
Q. Our oldest daughter just turned 13 and is pushing to have a Facebook account. Myself and her father feel reluctant to let her do this, as you hear about all the horror stories of cyber-bullying and inappropriate usage and so on. I’d prefer her to wait until she is older but she argues that all her friends in school are on it and accuses us of being “old-fashioned” and out of touch.
My teenager is missing out due to anxiety
Q. My 14-year-old daughter has always been an anxious child . For a lot of her childhood she was afraid of the dark, going places alone and we would have to reassure her a lot (and often let her sleep in the bed with us). For a few years she was acutely afraid of dogs and then this lessened. I had hoped she was growing out of her fears but she continues to be a big “worrier” and I notice that she often avoids doing things she might like because of her fears.
How can I get our daughter back on track after a mental health crisis?
Q. My daughter (who is 15) has been unhappy since last September which seems to have started when her two friends betrayed her by siding with another girl and excluding her. Earlier this year she told me that she was feeling very low and that she had been cutting herself.
We argue over the best way to parent
‘Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.’
Henry Ford
Should I allow my 16 year old son to drink alcohol?
Q. My son has just turned 16 and has been telling me that his friends have started drinking and he’s been joking that he should be allowed to drink too. He’s also been asking to go to house parties where I’m sure there will be drinking going on. Some of my friends have advised me that I should let him have a drink at home rather than having him do it behind my back. I’m not sure about doing this, and would greatly value your opinion.
Sleep: Finding a way that works for baby and you
IN MY WORK with new parents the number-one stress they report is sleep or rather the lack of it. Dealing with a baby who is not sleeping at night is by far the most common challenge for new parents, which is all the more difficult for sleep-deprived parents who are coping with the pressures of getting to work or minding other children.
My teenager can’t seem to make friends
Q. We have three children, a girl aged 14, a boy aged 11 and a girl aged four. The eldest seems to have great difficulty in making friends.
Parent Mental Health: Looking after yourself for the kids sake
Though becoming a parent brings many joys and satisfactions, it is inherently stressful and demanding and can take its toll on parents mental health. Parents can easily put all their energies into caring for and attending to their children, and sacrifice their own personal needs and self-care. Juggling the many demands placed on them, it is easy for parents to cut off from their natural supports or sources of rest or recreation, and over time become depleted stressed and burnt out.
My daughter is mean to her little brother
Q. Our five-year-old daughter has recently started trying to get our two-year-old son in trouble, or even injured. The most recent incident involved her telling him to jump off the top bunk in her room. When I asked her what she thought would happen if he had jumped, she said that she thought he would break an arm or a leg. Telling him to run around the garden in his socks is one thing, but consciously trying to get him to injure himself is very worrying.
Building children’s self esteem and confidence
‘Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.’ -Sigmund Freud
Will an OCD diagnosis for my teenager lead to stigma?
Q. Thank you for answering our question about how to help our son, who displays symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). My husband and I have a further question about the labelling aspect of having him assessed. Would carrying the OCD label be a burden for him?
If you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully
Unfortunately, bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
OCD: Does my child have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Q. I have a 13-year-old son who is showing signs of anxiety and this is causing upset for him and for us. At mealtimes, he won’t use cutlery, bowls, plates or glasses that he deems “dirty”, and will go through the cutlery drawer, often laying the contents on the kitchen countertop, going through each one until he finds a knife, fork or spoon that is sufficiently “clean” for his use. He then repeats this routine for bowls, and so on.
My 13 year old is refusing to go to school
Q. My daughter, who is 13, is having terrible trouble getting to school. She is in first year of secondary school and wakes up each morning full of anxiety, and making as many excuses as she can about going. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that is causing her to be worried, other than that she never really settled after the move from primary school. There are tears every day about going, and some days she point-blank refuses to go.
Trichotillomania: How can I stop my daughter pulling her hair out?
Q. I’m a mother of two girls, who are 10 and eight. As with all kids, they are very different in many ways. Our elder girl will talk about her worries, but our eight-year- old daughter isn’t as good. She likes to keep the peace more than her sister does, and doesn’t like any confrontation.I know she is getting better at opening up, but I still sometimes wonder what exactly is going on in her head.
Teenagers and exam stress
Q. My 14-year-old son suffers from very bad exam stress and anxiety. He is now in second year and he finds it really hard to cope with the anxiety that exams cause him. Even though he is a straight-A student, he can get into a state about anxiety and will say he can’t do it, and that he is stupid, even though none of this is true. It causes great stress at home and I would love some advice on how best we can help him.
My 7 year is too anxious to go anywhere on her own
Q. My daughter will be seven in the summer, and has always been an anxious child. In recent months, she has started to get distressed at the thought of being on her own anywhere. She gets distraught, for example, going into another room to fetch something; going to the bathroom; going to change out of her school uniform.
My 13 year old refuses to go to school
Q. My 13-year-old son has always been a little reluctant to go to school, but it has got much worse since he started secondary. He constantly refuses to go. The night before school he begins to get stressed and then the mornings are dominated by his anxiety. We manage to get him there most days, but it is daily stress for the whole family.
How can I support my shy child to make friends?
Q. My five-year-old is in junior infants. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home she is a happy girl and plays well with her cousins, but I have a sense she is not as happy in school.
My eight year old is too anxious to go to sleep alone.
Q. Our eight-year-old son does not want to go to sleep without one of us staying upstairs – he seems afraid of being upstairs on his own. We have talked about this to him and while he understands there is nothing to be afraid of, he seems stuck in the same response and doesn’t want to be left alone. If we do go downstairs, he remains very anxious in his bed and waits until we come back up or until we are going to bed before he will go asleep.
My little girl keeps telling lies
Q: My six-year-old daughter often tells lies and I am wondering whether I should be worried about this. For example, the other day she had clearly helped herself to cake in the kitchen without permission. However, when I challenged her, she kept saying it wasn’t her. She definitely ate the cake as she even had icing around her mouth, yet she continued to deny it and eventually burst into tears and stormed off. I don’t mind her taking the cake – that is understandable and I should not have left it out to tempt her.
Helping Children with Friendships
Q. My nine-year-old daughter has been generally a happy girl but recently she has seemed to be unhappy going to school. She finally told me she had fallen out with her friend at school. I am not sure exactly what happened but it seems her friend has started hanging out more with another girl in the class and it has become a case of “three’s a crowd ”. She was very upset about it when she spoke to me.
Pocket Money: How much should I give?’
Q: My question is about how much pocket money you should give children. I have three children – an eight-year-old girl and two boys, six and five. The subject never really came up until recently and my daughter is now pressurising us to give her money like all her friends. Some of her friends seem to get lots of money from their parents which I don’t agree with. To be honest, I have always been unsure about giving a child pocket money in case they think they deserve it and it makes them more demanding.
I’m worried my teenager may be suicidal
Q. A 16-year-old boy in my son’s school took his own life a few months ago. This was a big tragedy in the school and the local area, and we were all upset about it. My son (also 16) was particularly upset on the day of the funeral. He spoke openly about how shocked he was and that nobody knew that the boy was depressed. I think collectively they were upset as a group. Now, three months on, my son does not talk much about what happened. Recently, he has become very closed off and I wonder if he is a bit down himself.
How should I discuss suicide with my children?
Q. The many suicides of young people in the media have made me really worried as a parent. I have two teenagers – a boy of 14 and a girl who is just 16. As far as I know they are doing well, with the usual ups and downs of the teenage years. But sometimes I worry if I could be missing something. How could I tell if they were in distress or even suicidal? I don’t want to be morbid but you read in the newspapers how frequently the suicide came out of the blue and the parents never suspected a thing.
How do I help an identical twin who doesn’t like to be called a twin?
Q. Our identical twin boys (Alex and Marcus) are nearly six years old and in separate classes in junior infants since last September. However, since February, Marcus does not like being called a twin. We call them by their names at home or refer to them as the boys. The teachers are very good and refer to them only as brothers. But when other children in the school or adults comment about them being twins or how alike they are, Marcus really doesn’t like it .
Dealing with whining toddlers
Q: I have a beautiful, lively and very articulate three-year-old girl. She can be very whingey and now this is escalating into cheeky behaviour. A typical scenario is that we are playing a game or completing a task together and, for no evident reason, she takes great exception to something. She whinges, “Maammyy . . .
My 12-year-old son won’t get out of bed in the morning
Q. I have a 12-year-old boy who just won’t get up for school. He doesn’t appear to have issues with school, seems to be doing well once he gets there, has lots of friends and so on. The problem is the battle in the morning to get him up. We try to have him in bed for 10pm but that ends up being 11pm some nights because that’s a battle too. The tantrums in the morning are breaking my heart.
My nine-year-old still sleeps in my bed.
Q. My nine-year-old son is still sleeping in my bed with me. He is an only child and his father left when he was three years old and, though he initially kept some contact, he has not seen his father now for a few years. Since that time he has more or less slept in the bed with me. I have tried many times to move him into his own bed, but he complains of being scared and always comes back in during the night.
PTSD: My teenage son is on edge since he was attacked
Q. Two months ago, my 14-year-old son and his friend were attacked by a group of boys in town who stole their phones. Since that time, my son has been anxious and on edge and particularly nervous about going out. As a result, his mother or myself have started accompanying him to and from school. We expected this might happen because of the incident and hoped he would get better and recover, but his anxiety remains.
How can I calm my child’s fear of death?
Q. My son, who will turn six soon, is afraid of death. He got very upset when I tucked him into bed last week and started to cry. He said he didn’t want to grow up as that would mean we (his dad and I) would get old and we would die. And that he wanted our family to stay together forever and didn’t want anyone to die.
My ex-wife is aggressive and I’m worried about my child
Q. I split up with my wife just over a year ago. Despite having lasted 10 years, it had been a very unhappy marriage. My wife constantly belittled me, and could be very aggressive and volatile towards me. Things went badly wrong after my daughter, who is now six, was born.
Post Natal Depression: Tips for new fathers dealing with depression
TWO LARGE studies published in the US and Australia have shown that up to 10 per cent of fathers experience depression on the arrival of a new baby. This is twice the normal rate of depression for men at other times and similar to the rates of depression for mothers, suggesting men also experience some form of postnatal depression.
The study authors argue for this to be more widely recognised and for specific supports to be offered to new fathers as well as to mothers.
My teenager is depressed. How can we help him?
Q. I would like to ask for your help or advice in relation to a major problem that we have with our youngest child. He is just 15 and due to sit his Junior Cert this June. He is a quiet child by nature and never had a lot, if any, self- confidence, no matter how well he excelled at anything. In the past year or so he has lost all interest in sport, does no homework, has no close friends, and seems to have withdrawn into himself and I would say has become mildly depressed . . .
My 7 year old is anxious
Q. I have a seven-year-old son who all of a sudden has become “afraid of everything”. Although he has been anxious at times in the past, it has suddenly become worse, and now he wants someone to stay with him until he falls asleep. Previously, he had a good bedtime routine of going to the bathroom, reading a story, saying goodnight – all of which went without problem. Now, however, even during the day he is afraid of going outside the livingroom or kitchen to go to the loo.
How to bond with a ‘difficult’ negative child?
Q. I have three children, aged 12, 10 and six, and my problem is the youngest. He stresses me out in the way the other two never did. He whines and moans all day and is negative about everything. It can become a battle to get him to do the slightest thing. Every morning I find myself dreading what mood he might be in. When he is a bad one, he can make it a terrible day for all of us.
Sibling Rivalry: My Teenagers are fighting with each other
Q. My 16-year-old daughter has always been a strong character and a bit fiery, but recently she seems to be fighting with everyone. She is very competitive and always trying to pick fights, particularly with her younger sister who is a much more laid-back character. They are very close in age, just one year between them, and I think a lot of the conflict stems from jealousy. The younger has started to do well in school and our eldest is very competitive and puts her down.
How to deal with my 5 year old’s anger?
Q. My five-year-old daughter has a habit of screaming and shouting when she gets frustrated and upset (for example when we have to say no to her). Her outbursts can last for a long time and are very wearing. My question is how can I teach her to express/deal with her anger/ frustration without screaming? I just keep saying, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Just say I’m angry with you but don’t shout it.” It doesn’t seem to be working though. I’m a bit confused about what to teach her about anger.
I think my 14 year old son might be gay
Q. I think my 14-year-old-son who is an only child might be gay. It is something I always had in the back of my mind because he has always been different and quite effeminate, but now I feel there are more definite signs in what he is saying and what he is wearing, etc. To be honest, I feel I would be fine about it, though part of me would be sad that I won’t be having any grandchildren. I would worry a lot for him though. We live in a small rural town and I’d worry that he would get picked on or bullied if he came out as being gay.
My 4 year old girl has no awareness of danger
Q. My four-year-old daughter has no sense of danger. I can deal with it myself, but I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with other adults in case something happens to her. I am going back to work in September, which is around the time that my daughter starts school. I don’t know how I will bring myself to have someone else collecting her each day. She recently tried to get into a pink car we saw waiting at traffic lights. My husband and I are used to it and have learned to deal with it, but I am not sure how I can warn another adult.
My partner is smoking again and I hate it
Q. I have been with my partner for eight years and we have a 12-month-old daughter together. The issue that really bothers me is that he started smoking again seven months ago even though he knows I hate it. He didn’t tell me at first and was hiding it from me before I found out – I could smell it off his breath though he tried to disguise it with mints. I am worried about his health as our baby’s father.
I’m dreading my first Christmas as a separated dad
Q. My wife and myself separated last February. We had not been getting on for several years and I finally moved out and now live with my father. I thought things might improve with us living apart, but in fact they seem to have got worse and it has been very hard the past year for me to see my two boys (four and six). Through the court, I have been granted weekend access and once during the week.
How do I stop my son being a sore loser?
Q. My son, who will be six at Christmas, is very competitive and this sometimes causes problems for him. He always wants to win and can be a really bad loser. He had a friend over the other day and he overturned a Snakes and Ladders game when he lost and went on to have a full blown meltdown. When he plays football, he always wants to be the best and gets into trouble with the coach for never sharing or passing.
Helping my child build a relationship with her absent father
Q. Could you provide guidance as to how to help my daughter, who is three and a half years old, deal with her dad re-entering her life after an absence of one year or so? We split up shortly after she was born and he had some contact limited to odd visits after that, before he moved away for a year or so for work.
My son is coming home drunk at night
How can I encourage healthy eating?
Q. I know what my children should be eating, but my question is how do you actually get them to eat healthy foods? I have two boys aged two and five and though they are not the worst in what they eat, there is still a lot to be desired. For example, my five year old almost never eats the dinners we have as adults and his diet is restricted to mainly eating pasta and bread.
Caught in bed by my 10-year-old daughter.
Q. My daughter, who is almost 11, walked in on my husband and me when we were having sex. It was late at night and we assumed she was asleep. It was all quite embarrassing and we are not sure how much she saw or how long she was there when we spotted her. In the moment, we were both very flustered and shouted for her to go back to her room.
How can I make more time for family?
Q. Both my wife and I are working parents and, like many, we are struggling to keep working, pay the bills and be good parents to our three children (three, six and seven). My business has taken a nose-dive over the past few years and now I have to work longer hours to make the same money. My wife works part-time and is busy minding the kids which is hard work.
As a working parent, how can I find more time for my kids?
Q. Like many mothers, I am trying to balance a busy full-time job with caring for my four children, aged three to 10 years old. I’m very aware of the need to give my children one-to-one attention though it is very hard to find the time. A particular challenge is when I get home from work in the evening and my four children clamour for my attention, sometimes crying and pushing each other out of the way to get to me, and it all can become stressful and pressured.
Are my children doing too many activities?
Q. How many extra-curricular activities should you take your children to? I have three children (five, seven and nine) and the week feels like one busy merry-
My teenager’s friends are a bad influence
Q. My 16-year-old daughter has fallen in with a group of friends who I think are a bad influence on her. She used to be a very positive girl and motivated in school and now she has an attitude, staying out late and she seems to only want to spend time with these other teenagers. They don’t go to the same school as her and some of them seem to be dropping out of school.
Help with play dates
Q. I am looking for some advice on helping my daughter, who is an only child, when she has her friends over to play. She has just started back in senior infants and lots of the girls in the class are visiting each other’s houses for play dates, and so on, and she has been asking about this. Up until last year I was working full-time but now I have reduced hours to three and a half days.
My husband gets angry with the kids
Q. My husband can get so angry with the children sometimes, especially when he is stressed and frustrated. He is otherwise a caring, involved dad and I don’t doubt that he loves our children. However, when they misbehave he can have a short fuse and ends up shouting and threatening them.
My five year old is acting like a baby
Q. I have two sons, a five year old and a 16 month old. When the younger was born we were happily surprised at how well our first child took to the new situation. Everything was going well until the baby was maybe five or six months old. However, since then, the five year old has been acting like a baby more and more. He uses baby talk and points to ask for things and gets easily upset if you don’t do what he wants.
My children are fighting all the time
Q. I have two boys. One is 26 months old and the other was four last week, and they seem to be squabbling and fighting all the time. In particular, the older boy seems to resent the younger one and won’t share any of his toys with him. They can’t seem to play together and any time I leave them alone they start to fight.
Our baby still wakes at night and we are exhausted.
Q. My 14-month-old son has never been a great sleeper but it seems to be worse lately. He tends to wake up at about 2am and finds it impossible to go back to sleep. We have tried staying in the room and patting his back and so on, and even bringing him into our bed. Although he might stop crying after being brought to our bed, he still finds it very difficult to settle and keeps tossing and turning and keeps us awake.
Does our active little boy have ADHD?
Q. My youngest child is three years 10 months old and has always been very active, on the go and into everything. We have to constantly watch him and be on his case and it is exhausting. My wife and I always put it down to him being a boy – he has three older sisters who are generally calmer and organised. However, when he started preschool last September he could not settle and we had to take him out.
How can we help our four year old do things for himself?
Q. My four-year-old son is very lazy about doing basic tasks such as dressing himself and is happy for me to do everything for him. When I try to get him to put his clothes on, he will moan and say he is tired or “can’t do it” and then it can end in a row between us. Even getting him to put on his shoes and coat when leaving the home involves more nagging.
Trichotillomania: Our daughter is pulling her hair out constantly.
Q. We have become very concerned about our daughter who is just 13 years old. She had become quite moody and argumentative as well as secretive and is spending lots of time in her room. We put it down to her becoming a teenager and we’re dealing with it as such. However, a few weeks ago I noticed that her hair had become thin in various places and that she had been going to great lengths to hide this.
Does my lively 2 year old have ADHD?
Q. My son, who is 2½ years old, has no sense of danger and can be a nightmare when we are out as a family. He runs away at the slightest chance. When we go anywhere new, the first thing he will do is climb on things and I fear he will fall. If I tell him not to do something, he doesn’t listen and will immediately go and do it. He is very hard to manage on the road, etc. He is very different to his two older sisters (six and four) who were always well behaved and contained.
I’m worried about my nephew with ADHD
Q. I hope you can help. I am writing to you out of pure desperation. I am extremely worried about my 16-year-old nephew who has reached the point where he is out of his depth and is heading for serious trouble. My sister is my nephew’s sole parent and he has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and has always had behavioural problems.
My son is not ready for school
Q. My four-year-old son is due to start school in September and is attending preschool five mornings a week as part of the free preschool year. I thought he was doing fine there, though he rarely talks about it when he gets home. However, when I spoke to his teacher recently she said she had a lot of concerns regarding his progress. She said he finds it hard to stay seated for the structured exercises and often hits out at children who come into his space.
My 8 year old is very clingy
Q. I’m having a challenging time with my eight-year-old boy primarily related to his obsession with me at the moment – he constantly wants to spend time with me. He can be extremely moody and nasty at times, throwing tantrums, especially if I am not available to him or if I spend time with my two other children (aged four and five).
How to talk to my daughter about her stillborn sister?
Q. Our first daughter was stillborn at full-term and just over a year later our second daughter was born alive and well. She is now two and a half years old. Our first daughter is very much an important part of our lives and we regularly talk about her within the family. We have photos of her around our home and say goodnight to her at bedtime as we try to keep her memory alive. Up until this point we have told our daughter that her big sister is up in the sky playing with the little birdies and this answer has satisfied her thus far.
My child is obsessed with us dying
Q. My 11-year-old daughter (who is an only child) gets very upset at night when she is going to bed. She thinks both her father and I are going to be killed and she will be left alone. It doesn’t matter how often we comfort and console her, we get this at least three nights out of the seven. She says she cannot imagine not being able to talk to us every day and never wants to leave us. Then, in the morning, she is fine again. The only way she falls asleep is by holding onto one of us in her bed.
We’ve drifted apart since having children
Q: I feel very unhappy in my marriage and have done for some time. My wife and I seem to have drifted apart over the years. We are rarely sexually intimate and our relationship has become a bit routine and monotonous. We have three beautiful children – a five-year-old and twins, aged three – and this is the one blessing in our marriage.
My daughter’s friends are excluding her. Is she being bullied?
Q: My daughter who is just eight fell out with one of the girls in her class and since then the girl has been ignoring her and this upsets my daughter. I initially tried to advise her to “move on” and find other friends but it seems that now some of the other girls have joined in and are ignoring my daughter and excluding her from games in the yard. I told my daughter I needed to talk to her teacher, but then she got upset and was worried it would make it worse.
My child is a perfectionist
Q. I have a six-year-old son who is a real perfectionist. He can get really angry and upset if events don’t pan out 100% as he had envisioned. For example, he might be drawing a picture and then get really mad if he makes a mistake and then can scrunch up the paper and throw it away. He can shout and scream for ages. It can also happen with other people, like when he is playing a game with a friend and he does not do it “perfectly” and this can lead to a falling out. I try to tell him it is okay, but he remains angry and upset for ages. What can we do?
My 2 year old has temper tantrums. How should I best deal with him?’
Q. We have two babies, a 22 month old and a five month old, so it’s busy to say the least, and both parents are also very tired. Our son is a super kid, loving, fun and gorgeous, but he definitely is developing a temper. It starts with something simple such as not wanting a nappy changed or wanting what is in a press for example, but if he does not get his way, he throws a tantrum. I understand this goes with the age, but sometimes he grabs my face or neck and really squeezes. What is my best way to deal with this?
My 2 yr old keeps slapping and squeezing other children
Q: My two-year-old son keeps squeezing other children’s faces or slapping their heads. I don’t think he is doing it out of boldness but it is getting him into trouble. He started play school this year and the teachers report him doing it to other children; when they get upset about it, he just laughs which makes things worse. I can see it when I take him to play centres: the other children are nervous of him when he starts “playing chasing” with them. At home we also get this behaviour when he is with other children.
How can we stop the tantrums?
Q: Our four-year-old son has always been a bit difficult – certainly more so than his siblings – but things seem to be taking a real turn for the worse of late. When things do not go his way, he can have a complete meltdown and throw a serious tantrum. Even if it is not an absolute refusal to grant him his wish – for example, “We can’t go to the park now but we will go later” – he will have a noisy and aggressive tantrum that frequently involves firing things, especially if he is sent to his room to calm down.
Irish Times Articles by John Sharry – Archive
John Sharry writes on parenting, relationships and family life in the Irish Times Newspaper every Tuesday. If you have a question for John, he may be able to answer it through the Irish Times, email him at healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
To see a list of upcoming seminars with John Sharry click here.
Hope in Hard Times: 1
“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out” – Vaclav Havel
ASIDE FROM the political and societal fallout of the recession, the ongoing crisis has taken its toll on the mental health of the nation.
Hope in Hard Times: 2
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E Frankl
Hope in Hard Times: 3
“Hope is something you create together” – Kaethe Weingarten
PSYCHOLOGICAL RESEARCH highlights the importance of hope as an essential precondition to human happiness, particularly in the face of loss, change and adversity. While hope is often considered an individual human trait or feeling, family therapist Kaethe Weingarten has conceived it as a shared creation between people.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘We argue over our aggressive 5 year old. Who is right?’
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘We argue over our aggressive 5 year old. Who is right?’
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
My teenager’s bad attitude is causing rows
Q. Our 12-year-old daughter has a real problem with her attitude and is always giving us backchat and cheek. She argues with us over every rule and never backs down. She never accepts our explanations and always has to have the last word. Both myself and my wife try to ignore her when she is like this, but she is very persistent and we seem to be always ending up in row.
My son is being very difficult since we had the new baby
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Our daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘How can i organise the mayhem when I come home from work?’
Q. I have three children aged five, three and 18 months. My problem is that I find it very hard to manage their competing demands and they always seem to be fighting and squabbling. The problem is at its worst when I come in from work in the evening, when the children are swarming all over me demanding my attention. I’m trying to hear the news from the childminder so she can go home, so it is bedlam for a few minutes.
MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES
COLUMN – ‘HOPE IN HARD TIMES’ SERIES
Part 1 – ‘Though the situation is grim, it is not hopeless’
Part 2- ‘Finding a silver lining amid the darkening clouds’
Part 3- ‘Revival of community is the key to our survival’
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My son is very shy.’
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 3 year old won’t poo in the toilet.’
Q.I am writing for advice in relation to my three-year-old daughter who is the youngest of three girls as we have been having enormous difficulty in toilet training her. We first attempted to train her when she was two and a half and was showing signs of being ready, but had to stop after several weeks as there was no success. We started again six months later when she turned three and she has mastered staying dry relatively easily and now goes to the toilet by herself to do her wees.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 5 year old is very shy at school’
Q. My five-year-old started school last September. She is very shy and seems to be finding it hard to make friends. When I drop her off at school, the other children are chatting and playing with each other, while she seems very reserved and doesn’t join in. At home she is a happy girl and plays well with her cousins, but I have a sense she is not as happy in school. From the little she says about what happens in school, I think she finds the yard times particularly hard and I worry that she might be getting pushed around.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour’
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My son is putting on weight.’
Q. Over the past year or so, our eldest son, who is just nine, has become rather rotund. His shoulders are broad and his arms and legs are solid but, even so, his tummy is pretty noticeable. He is 130cm tall and weighs 32 kilos. On an average day, he has two Weetabix with cornflakes for breakfast. Lunch at school is a wrap with ham or chicken, and a piece of fruit.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘My 7 year old is having tantrums.’
Q. I need advice on managing my seven-year-old son whose behaviour is having a very negative effect on the whole family. I have two other children, aged five and two. He is prone to very bad tantrums and sometimes quite aggressive behaviour. He also tends to whine about things a lot and can keep going on for hours if he is not getting his own way. Anything can trigger his tantrums – being asked to get dressed in the morning, a fight with his brother over toys, being asked to finish playing for dinner time.
‘What you can do if your child is being bullied or is a bully.’ An Irish Times Feature by Dr. John Sharry
Bullying isn’t uncommon, and in some surveys up to 40 per cent of children report experiencing or being involved in bullying at school. Many children who are targeted are already marginalised or struggling. Up to half of those who are bullied suffer in silence and don’t tell their parents or teachers what is going on.
Bullying behaviours can be physical and direct, such as slagging, intimidation and aggression, or more subtle and relational, such as exclusion, talking negatively about a child to others, or the silent treatment.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘How can I avoid family conflict over Christmas?’
Q. I find myself dreading Christmas this year. Because my parents live abroad, the expectation is that we will spend Christmas Day with my husband’s family. My husband has an up-and-down relationship with his family and there is always tension when they meet. Their father, who died three years ago, was a serious alcoholic and some of his brothers are heavy drinkers if not alcoholics themselves. His mother tries to cover everything up, but tensions flare at family gatherings.
Our son fails to grasp toilet hygiene message
Q. Our difficulty is with our six-year-old son, who is the middle of three children, with sisters younger and older than him. He is a very bright and charming boy, but has always been difficult to handle in terms of being very determined and stubborn about issues or behaviour that were important to him. This kind of behaviour has become increasingly easier as we can talk and explain more to him. The one area in which he is still totally resistant is toileting – and particularly wiping himself.
I think my teenager is smoking
Q. I think my 13-year-old daughter, who has just begun second year, has started smoking. One day last week, when she came in from school, I got the whiff of smoke from her. When I asked her was she smoking, she denied it and gave an elaborate story, which I didn’t believe, but left it at that. Two nights later, I searched her room and did find a packet hidden with a few cigarettes in it. I asked her about them and she said she was minding them for a friend (15 year old), which I didn’t believe either.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our daughter in obsessed with us dying.’
My son has very low self esteem
Q. My 14-year-old son seems to have very low self-esteem and I am wondering how best to help him. He works hard at school and gets reasonable grades but he is very hard on himself and thinks he is the “worst” in the class. He takes an interest in sports and, in particular, GAA. He puts in the commitment and goes training every week, attending all the matches, but he feels he is always on the “B team” fighting for a place. He seems to have no confidence at all.
My 17 year old daughter’s boyfriend is 21.
Q. I am writing to you in connection with my teenage daughter. She is 17 years old and is doing her final year at school. She is dating a guy who has just turned 21. While her father and I don’t agree with this we’re not sure how to go about it as we are afraid we will push her towards him even more if we tell her we don’t want her seeing him. He is not from our area and we don’t know much about him except that he works and, according to her, he has a good job. She is very cautious when we ask for information about him.
Teen tantrums are disrupting family life
Q: To what extent can hormone changes affect a teenager’s behaviour and mood? I have a 15-year-old son who, all in all, is very good in terms of his behaviour. However, he is almost six feet tall and his voice has broken, so when he is in a bad mood, his presence and mood are felt by the whole family.
My teenager is unmotivated and has left school
Q. I have a 16-year-old son who is driving us crazy with his carry-on. In September, he started in a new school, but in the first week he had a confrontation with the headmaster and the situation got to the stage where he no longer goes to school. He is lazy and unmotivated and hangs around with some very dodgy lads without our permission.
My 14 year old has lost interest in school
Q. My 14-year-old son has never really applied himself in school, particularly in the last year. As a result, it can be a battle to get him to sit down and do homework, and we seem to be always in conflict about this. Recently, he has started saying that he is not interested in school and that he wants to do other things.
My 13 year is challenging our rules
Q: Our 13-year-old son has become very difficult recently. He is displaying a constant “attitude” in the way he talks to us and acts as if this attitude is a “cool” way to behave. He is also challenging all our rules, saying none of his friends has the same rules. For example, we have told him he can’t go to town until he is 15, but he says all his friends go now at 13. My question is how can we discipline him when his friends don’t have the same rules and how can we deal with such an attitude?
My daughter won’t study or tidy her room
Q. My 15-year-old daughter isn’t studying or doing homework at all in this her Junior Cert year. She’s very disorganised, regularly leaves school books at home and refuses to clean her room, which hasn’t been cleaned in seven months. She gets very angry when I try to encourage her to study or clean, spends all her time on the mobile phone, and has no interest in sport, drama or the arts.
My son is studying so should I relax the rules?
Single Parenting my 3 year old
Q. I’m a single mum to a three-year-old boy. I’m also a mature student in college and lately I have noticed my son’s behaviour has changed and I’m wondering what the problem may be and what I can do to try to alleviate it. He is very outgoing and socially able but lately he is acting like a teenager and gets very cross and upset if he doesn’t get his own way. While I’m sure this is normal to some degree and he is only asserting himself, I feel his behaviour goes beyond this and I’m wondering is this something he is learning from me.
How to explain their father’s alcoholism to teenagers?
Q. My ex-husband had and still has a strong dependence on alcohol. We live separately and generally have a good working relationship. But occasionally the children’s father phones and may be under the influence of drink and says out-of-hand things. How do I help the children (aged 15 and 13) deal with this as the incident may not be acknowledged again yet can upset them, particularly my 15-year-old son, who is striving to have a relationship with his dad?
My 18 year old is becoming violent and angry
Q. My 18-year-old daughter is always angry and sometimes in a rage. At the moment I am sweeping up broken glass from the door she kicked in. She is becoming increasingly violent and it is frightening me. My husband wants her to leave the house. What can I do to manage this situation and where can I go to get her help (I lost my job so can’t afford much)?
My daughter wants contact with her father whom she has never met
Q. I’m a single mum of a 13-year-old girl. I have always been very close to her until recently when she has become very moody and secretive. Myself and my mother, who has been very involved in bringing her up, put it down to “hormones” and being a teenager, but recently she has been asking a lot about her father, whom she has never met. To give you the background, I had a brief relationship with her father, who lives in the UK. He was married at the time I got pregnant and never wanted anything to do with me since.
My 3 year old won’t go to bed
Q. My son, who is just three years old, is terrible at bedtime. We are trying to get a new routine going, for example, at 8.15pm we get him dressed for bed, read three stories, chat about our day, kiss night night, etc. Then the trouble starts, first with him calling from his bed for “another kiss”, “one more story”, “a juice” . . . whatever takes his fancy. We try to ignore him like we have seen on television programmes and when he comes downstairs we just bring him back to his bed, saying nothing.
My toddler won’t stay in her own bed
Q: I’m seeking advice on my toddler who is just over two and a half years of age. She has slept in the bed with both of us until last year. When she actually kept telling my husband, “No daddy” in the bed, he had to give in to her tantrum as it was easier. She now sleeps in our bed with me and my husband sleeps in her room. In order to go to sleep she pulls my hair, which has also become very troublesome. She wakes during the night for several hours which can be very difficult. Last night, she woke from 3.30am until 7.30am, when she fell asleep.
Egg Donation: Should I tell my kids how they were conceived?
Q: I would very much appreciate your advice. We have twins, four years old, conceived using an anonymous donor’s eggs. We have always felt that they should be told the truth about how they were conceived. I would be very grateful for any advice you would have for us. Is it still felt that it is best to tell the children how they were conceived, even though they will never be able to trace the donor? At what age is it best to begin to tell children? Are there any books/web resources available that would help in this process?
My 2 year old wakes us early every morning
Q. I am a 35-year-old mother of two. My daughter is four and half and my son is two and a half. My son is a very early riser, waking most days at 5.50am. I have tried ignoring his calls for me, but he just keeps calling out, so I go into him, tell him it’s too early to get up and try and settle him back. Sometimes this works for a short while, but for the most part he will settle for five minutes only to resume his calling for me. I go into him again after ignoring him for as long as I can, but nothing will settle him back to sleep.
My daughter’s habit at bedtime has become a worry for us
Q. We have a four-and-a-half year old daughter who is lively, intelligent and friendly and she gets on great with her little sister. Sometimes she can be a little nervous at times or want things done a particular way, though this is nothing unusual. The concern I have is around masturbation. She plays with herself down there constantly. I know a certain amount of this is normal for a little girl, but that hand is in there a lot. She does it, not always, but frequently, to help her go to sleep.
My 3 year old is afraid of using the toilet
Q. My three-and-a-half year old son is absolutely petrified at the thought of toilet training. We have tried several times with him. He becomes anxious, aggressive and even gets to the point of becoming sick (he got a bad viral infection the last time we tried). We have taken nappies off him, bribed him, done reward charts, promised him a much sought after toy – all to no avail. I have physically put him on the toilet and he has weed twice – both accidentally.
My 4 year old is jealous of the baby
Q. I have a four-year-old daughter and I find we are in constant battle with each other. Everything from getting dressed in the morning to meal times is met with constant whining and arguments. She spends a lot of time with her grandmother and, being the only grandchild until recently, she was used to getting undivided attention at home and at her gran’s. However, since my three-month-old son has been born, I have not been able to give her the same level of time, and our relationship has become very difficult and strained.
Toilet training: My 3 year old won’t poo in the toilet
Q. I am writing for advice in relation to my three-year-old daughter who is the youngest of three girls as we have been having enormous difficulty in toilet training her. We first attempted to train her when she was two and a half and was showing signs of being ready, but had to stop after several weeks as there was no success. We started again six months later when she turned three and she has mastered staying dry relatively easily and now goes to the toilet by herself to do her wees.
Should I stop my son’s naps?
Q: We are having trouble getting our three-year-old son settled going to bed at night. We try to have a regular bedtime of 7.30pm but often he is not tired and he can keep getting up and not get to sleep until 9:30pm. Even if he goes to bed this late he does not sleep any longer in the morning and always gets up at 6am or even earlier, though he can be cranky during the day. He tends to have a nap in the afternoon and we were advised previously to try to stop this.
My two year old is acting like a bully
Q. My son whom I cherish and adore seems to be a bully. He attacks other children for no reason whatsoever. He pushes, shoves, pulls clothes, scraps, slaps them, and so on. Today, we were at music class and he carried out four attacks, one of which was quite nasty. The other little boy got a few scrapes on his face. I have tried the “Do not do that, it’s not nice and it hurts” and when I ask him to say sorry he goes over and kisses them and gives them a hug. He is a very affectionate boy, but he would turn around and do it again in a few minutes.
How can i get my daughter to play nicely?
Q. My four-year-old twin girl gets very grumpy and upset when with other children of the same age when they visit her at home. Sometimes she can even become aggressive and storm off to her room and then after an hour or so she comes back to herself and plays nicely. This also happens when we go out socially. If visiting friends she gets very excited and disruptive, and becomes almost naughty showing off. As a consequence we do not visit people. We are not sure how to help her cope.
Our sons are always fighting when they meet up
Q. My son is 21 months old and is generally a happy little man. He has a few friends from creche and plays quite well with each of them. A good friend of mine also has a 21-month-old boy, but whenever we meet up the two boys end up waging war over one toy or another.
Our daughter is fighting and biting in creche
Q. We have a 2½-year-old daughter whose behaviour is causing a lot of worry and concern. She has a 4½-year-old sister and I am expecting my third child in three months. The main problem is her behaviour in creche. For about a year now she has intermittently gone through a biting phase, which at times has been relatively mild with only one or two incidents a week to many attempts in any one day.
Irish Times Parenting Q&A with Dr. John Sharry: ‘Our son is jealous of the baby and we can’t handle his behaviour’
Q. My wife has just had our third child. She is everything you could ask for and has rocked our world in the best way possible. However, her big brother, who is four years old, is being a little git and is causing a lot of tension and heartache around the house. I appreciate he is acting up as he’s not the baby any more, but he is genuinely breaking my heart. He is the apple of my eye and always will be. I can’t even begin to describe what a smashing little fella he is, but at the moment neither myself nor my wife can handle him.
My four year old is bossy and demanding with other kids (Social Skills)
Q. I have a four and half year old son and he is an only child. He was born after many years of trying so we feel lucky to have him. We would have liked for him to have a brother or sister but it seems now that I can’t have any more children. My husband and I have lots of time for him and he is the centre of our life. However, I do worry about how he gets on with other children. He can be very bossy and demanding. While my husband and I put up with this, this is not the case with other children.
My toddler bit me
Q. We have just had a new baby son and all is going well. We have an older girl (21 months) who loves her baby brother and gives him lots of hugs and kisses and shows him so much affection. However, there is just one thing that she started yesterday and that was biting. She was being a bit rough with baby and I asked her to be gentle and she tried to bite me. I did the whole calming talk and told her biting was bold and we just moved on with what we were doing.
Our little girl needs her teddy all the time
Q. We have a five-year-old daughter who is very attached to her teddy which she seems to need all the time. Very often her mood can be hugely influenced by the availability or not of the toy. Should we allow a limitless contact with the teddy, even if a side effect is sucking her thumb and possibly affecting her teeth? She is generally a very good child otherwise.
How can I get rid of my 3yr old’s soother?
Q. I have a three-year-old girl who is very attached to her soother. It used to be kept in the cot but came out of there and was used more when her baby brother came along 10 months ago. We have succeeded in keeping the soother confined to the house but trying to get her to keep it in the cot leads to a lot of tears. Her brother has one but only in the cot. I would like to see the soother put back in the cot or gone altogether. Should we try to take it off her altogether or try to get her to leave it in the cot.
My shrieking twins are driving me mad
Q. My two-year-old twin daughters are in general lovely, happy children but they tend to shriek a lot at high volume at the slightest thing. If one of them takes a tumble for example, even though it’s obvious they are not hurt, the high-pitched squawking starts. Several people who are around children a lot say they have never heard anything like the sound they make. What makes it worse is that the girl nothing has happened to will, most of the time, start shrieking as well, as though in sympathy or in a bid to get attention.
I yearn for a baby girl in a house full of boys
Q: I have four beautiful children, all boys, aged eight, six, four and 14 months, who are all doing well. I know I should be happy with my lot, but I am constantly obsessing about not having a daughter, which I always hoped for. I became very depressed after the birth of my third boy and I put this down to being disappointed at not having a girl. We went on to have a fourth child and this was down to me pressurising my husband to try again. He was initially dead set against having a fourth, but gave in when he saw how much it meant to me.
Is there a difference in bringing up boys and girls?
Q. I have one daughter and two younger sons under six. I come from a family of all girls and, in turn, my sisters have all girls. I am conscious that my sons have a lot of female influences (although their dad, who is very hands-on, was once a young boy!). I wonder whether there are any special tips you could give me about bringing up boys. They are both very happy little fellas, but I suppose I am a bit paranoid that between us all the girls will turn them into sissies.
Raising an only child
Q. I have one six-year-old son. My question relates to his being an only child. Most of my friends and family have more children and I worry about him feeling different. What are the pros and cons for only children? Are they at a disadvantage? Do they lose out by being an only child? How can we ensure he doesn’t feel different and that he grows up happy?
Why has bilingual approach stalled?
Q. My three-year-old son has grown up with German and English as his first languages. As his mother, I have been speaking German to him since he was born, and my Irish husband has spoken to him in English. So far, he has managed really well. His speech has been very clear in both languages from about two-and-a-half years of age. We live in Ireland and clearly he is surrounded by an English-speaking world. However, when we go to Germany, after a few days he always manages to tune into German without problem.
Is my daughter ready for primary school?
Q. My daughter, who will be four in August this year, is enrolled to start primary school in September 2011 when she will be just gone five. She has been in creche from a young age and has been following the Montessori programme since September last. She is a bright child who shows a keenness to learn as well as an ability to understand things. I have recently heard that a few of her classmates, of similar age, are enrolled for starting in primary school this September. This has made me revaluate our decision.
My child doesn’t want to go to preschool
Q: I am worried about my four year old starting a new Montessori in September. Last May and June, I started him four mornings a week in a playschool and there were problems going in each morning as he used to get very upset at the door when I left him. His worry about going would start the moment he got up in the morning, when he would immediately say he “didn’t want to go” and he would resist getting dressed and into the buggy and so on. His anxiety would build and he could start crying even before we arrived at the playschool.
Introducing my child to a new partner
Q. I read your answer recently about the right way and time to introduce a new partner into a child’s life, (Read it here) and it has led to renewed discussion about this issue with friends of mine who are also single mothers.
My children are TV addicts, how can I stop it?
Q. My two sons (aged five and seven years) would watch TV all day if I let them. This has been particularly the case over Christmas. This leads to battles as I try to get them to switch it off and do something else more healthy. My seven year old in particular seems to be addicted and he gets into a real strop when I turn it off. Do you think TV is addictive? And how much TV should I let them watch or should I get rid of it altogether?
RELATIONSHIP ARTICLES
My son has been watching porn on his phone
Q. We bought our 17-year-old son a smartphone five months ago for his birthday. He had been pressing to get one for ages, “like all his friends”, and we finally gave in. He was out the other day and had forgotten to take his phone with him, which is unusual as it is normally welded to him. I took the opportunity to look at it. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was curious to see what he was up to on it. Looking at his history and apps I discovered he was regularly accessing porn and adult sites. As his mother, I was a little shocked.
Learning to make friends
Q. The vast majority of discussion on children naturally concerns the parent-child relationship. But the whole area of sociability with other children is such a huge part of their early development, and potentially affects how they interact with others in later life. I have three children aged four to seven, and my question is around how important it is for me as a parent to help them learn to make friends? Some children are naturally gifted at engaging while others struggle.
My daughter is very fussy about getting dressed
Q. I am a mother of five-year-old twin girls and have been having ongoing problems with one of them in relation to dressing. When she was younger she was always a bit fussy/temperamental when it came to what she wanted to wear which I just put down to her personality. However, it is now a real problem. She creates a fuss most mornings saying she doesn’t like her vest/ T-shirt/pants/whatever and that it’s annoying her. Sometimes I think there must be some kind of sensory thing going on but then other times I think she’s just playing up.
How to get the balance right with after-school activities?
Q. We have three children aged nine, seven and four, who have busy social lives full of activities. Often, I feel that I have got into role of a chauffeur as they seem to want to do everything! With the new school year looming, I am wondering how do you get the balance right with after-school activities – I want to cultivate their interests, of course, but I don’t want to be “running around” all the time.
My daughter is being called a bully
Q: Last week I was called into the school and told that my nine-year-old daughter was involved in bullying another girl. I was shocked as this came out of the blue. What seems to have happened is one girl in the class has fallen out with my daughter and a few of her friends. Now the other girl has no friends and the teachers say my daughter and her friends have been excluding her and leaving her out all the time. My daughter more or less told me this when I asked her about it.
How can I help my shy 10 year old?
Q. My daughter is 10 years old and I am concerned about her. She is extremely shy to the point where she nearly becomes paralysed. She is very sensitive and emotional, thinks everyone is looking and talking about her and will not engage in school sports because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She allows herself to be bullied and is drawn to the weakest and youngest person in her class. She is an extremely kind and gentle girl and would never hurt anyone deliberately.
Our son has a ‘girly’ side
Q. Our five-year-old son, the youngest of three boys, has always been drawn to what he calls “girly things”. He loves dolls, buggies, magazines aimed at young girls, etc. Apart from his brothers, most of his friends are girls. We have always accommodated his preferences as much as possible, although I’ve drawn the line at allowing him to leave the house in a princess dress as I don’t want people to laugh at him or bully him.
Big sister is mean to the younger one
Q. I have two daughters, the eldest is nearly five and the younger nearly three. My eldest is very aggressive towards her younger sister. She screams in her face constantly, despite being told it’s not acceptable. She will pinch, push, grab toys, etc. The younger girl is a very easy-going happy child, but I am very worried about the constant bullying she endures. She will try to kick, hit or, on occasion, spit at me or my husband, particularly when we intervene in any incident. We have tried talking to her and explaining that it’s rude.
Families Coping With Financial Downturn
Anything that does not kill me, makes me stronger – Nietzsche
Should I leave my husband?
Q. I’ve been married for 19 years and over time I have grown apart from my husband to such an extent that now I feel deeply unhappy and want to leave. Though he has been a good father to our three children (14 to 18 years of age) I feel we have nothing in common as a couple and all my happy times are out with my friends and work colleagues. Often I dread coming home to him. We are rarely intimate and, to be honest, I don’t look forward to it. I don’t feel he is a bad man, it is just that we have drifted apart.
My teenagers don’t talk to each other
Q: I am a mother of three teenage children – a girl of 14 and two boys age 16 and 19. The problem is there is no communication between them. It is not that there are rows between them, just not much communication. It seems as if they are living their separate lives without talking to one another. This has been going on for a long time – maybe four years or more – and it went unnoticed for quite a while. I can’t identify a particular starting point or cause of the problem.
My boyfriend wants me to meet his daughter, Is it too soon?
Q. My boyfriend of eight months has a five-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. He separated from his ex 18 months ago and sees his daughter a few times a week. Our relationship is going well and the question has come up about meeting his daughter. He has her for a full six days at the end of the month and he was wondering if we could all go away somewhere together for part of this. I feel a bit nervous about meeting her and am wondering if there is any advice or tips you can give to make it go well.
My 13 year old daughter won’t accept discipline from my new partner
Q: I was a single mother for many years and then met a new partner four years ago. I have a 13-year-old daughter who was nine when she first met my partner. My partner has always been wonderful to my daughter and they get on great as a rule. However, she does not accept discipline from him and this causes lots of conflict particularly since she became a teen.
How to be a good stepmother
Q. I am due to get married soon and my partner has a six-year-old boy from a previous relationship. The plan is for him to live with his mother half the week and with us the other half of the week. I feel very daunted at the prospect of becoming a stepmother and I am aware of everything that can go wrong. Do you have any tips on making it go well?
My daughter is behaving badly since our separation
Q. I have recently separated from my husband after 10 years of marriage. We have an eight-year-old daughter who lives with me but sees her father every other day for an hour or so and she stays over one night a week with him. In the past couple of weeks, she has been really acting up and won’t do anything I tell her. I seem to be shouting at her all the time and it’s really upsetting. I feel like a bad mother that I can’t even control my own child. She seems to behave for everyone else and her father does not seem to be having the same problems.
My child has a needle phobia
Q: My four-year-old daughter has to go for an annual check-up at a children’s hospital in September. Getting her bloods checked is always a part of this, which of course involves them using a needle. She has become very aware in the past year about needles, from playing doctor with friends and knowing that her baby sister has been getting vaccinations, and she has often talked about “needles” and whether she will ever have to get one.
My daughter’s phobias seem to be getting worse
Q. Our happy, outgoing, confident six-year-old daughter appears to be developing irrational phobias. To date, she is terrified of injections, dentists, wasps and to a lesser extent insects in general, tweezers and flying. She hasn’t had a bad experience with any of these things. It all seemed to begin last autumn when she became upset and hysterical while she and her siblings were getting their vaccinations. We were hoping it was a one-off as she had been okay with injections before this and had never had a bad experience.
How can I change my son’s eating habits?
Q: When I took my seven-year-old son to the GP last week for an ear infection, he made a comment about him being very overweight for his age. I was a bit taken aback because I hadn’t really thought about this before. He does have a relatively balanced diet at home, but can overeat on cakes and biscuits, and tends to eat a lot of crisps and fizzy drinks. He also is not that active. We have tried to get him to join the GAA, but he has not really taken this up.
My 6 year old is a fussy eater
Q. I have a six-year-old son who is becoming more and more fussy when it comes to meal times. His diet is quite limited in terms of meals. He tends to eat only one thing at a time, so for example would eat sausages or chicken nuggets but does not eat anything that would go with it such as any type of veg or potatoes. He won’t eat potatoes in any form, chipped, roasted, boiled or mashed. Of the limited amount of food he will eat at the table, he is becoming even fussier.
How can I help my child be more confident?
Q. I have a six-year-old girl who has been described as being both quiet and sensitive at school. She tends to be a perfectionist in things that she does and hates being wrong. She seems to lack confidence in her ability to do things. I would describe her as never entering into a competition if she feels she may fail and that includes social relationships. I worry that she might be missing out as a result. She is a complex character and I am wondering how I can help her cope with these feelings?
How to explain teenage pregnancy to my girls?
Q. My 17-year-old niece, who has always being a bit wild and impulsive, has just announced she is pregnant. She is no longer with her boyfriend, so it is likely she will be parenting alone. Although they are putting on a brave face publicly, I know my sister and her husband are privately devastated because they think she is too young – my sister has told me in the past that this is her worst fear. My question is about what to say to my own two girls (aged eight and 12) about the news. They see a lot of my niece and are very fond of her.
My 9 year old wants a TV in the bedroom
Q. Are there any circumstances where it is a good idea for children to have a TV in their bedroom as my nine- year-old son is pushing for one? I know the general advice is that it is not a good idea and normally I would be against it. However, a friend of mine says she finds it useful for her son as it allows him to retreat into his room for 30 minutes or so of downtime and she sees no harm in this.
My son is putting on weight
Q. Over the past year or so, our eldest son, who is just nine, has become rather rotund. His shoulders are broad and his arms and legs are solid but, even so, his tummy is pretty noticeable. He is 130cm tall and weighs 32 kilos. On an average day, he has two Weetabix with cornflakes for breakfast. Lunch at school is a wrap with ham or chicken, and a piece of fruit.
We’ve separated. Where can i get help for my son?
Q. I have just ordered your book When Parents Separate: Helping Your Children Cope as my partner and I have gone our separate ways. I would like to bring our 10-year-old son to talk things out with a counsellor. Is this a service you provide or do you know who does?
Facts of Life: At what age should we tell our children about sex?
Q. My nine-year-old daughter asked me out of the blue last night, “How do you get a baby?” I was a little shocked and, as I was thinking what to say, she then told me that her friend told her that “the boy and girl have to have sex”. She then became shy about it and didn’t say any more. I changed the subject and asked her how her friend could think she would know about these things. She told me her friend had heard it from an older sister. I didn’t say any more and the conversation then moved on.
My son is anxious after being attacked.
Q. A few months ago my 10-year-son and his friends were playing in a park near our home when they were threatened by a group of teenagers, who pushed and shoved them and tried to rob them. My son ran to our house to get help and the police were called, and later apprehended the teenagers. My son and the boys were very upset by the incident. The guards were really good at handling the situation. They chatted to my son and tried to allay his worries. They told him that the teenagers were not from the area and unlikely to visit again.
Helping Children with Nightmares
Q. Our six-year-old son is a happy, outgoing, enthusiastic little boy. A few months ago he started having nightmares most nights, and wakes up hysterical on occasion. He is now getting upset at bedtime saying that he doesn’t want to go to sleep because he is afraid of having one. He has no computer games, watches age-appropriate TV and, likewise, his books are age appropriate, so he is not exposed to violent or frightening programmes or stories.
What age should I let my child have a mobile phone?
Q. What age should you give a child a mobile phone? My nine-year-old daughter has been pestering me for one. I am concerned about giving her one so young because you hear about so many problems with inappropriate texts or even bullying on the phone. She wanted one for Christmas, but I managed to put her off and she got something else. But I know she is going to start asking again now in the new year.
Can I put a stop to my son’s wish on Santa’s list?
Q. My eight-year-old son wants an Xbox from Santa this Christmas. Now I am a little worried about him getting this as I think the games can be a little violent – certainly the ones he is talking about wanting to play – and I’d prefer him to ask for something else and not get an Xbox for a few years. He already has a Wii and a Nintendo DS, so he has plenty of gadgets. However, I don’t want to disappoint him either and he has already written to Santa about this.
How can we explain that we can’t afford our kid’s christmas wishes?
Q. Normally my two children (six and eight) get loads of presents at Christmas. However, this year my husband lost his job and finances are much tighter in the family. I don’t know how to explain to my children that they will be getting a lot less this year. Both myself and my husband feel we are letting them down. We’re both pretty down about it and normally we really love Christmas. The children are asking about things they would like that I know we can’t really afford and I don’t know what to say.
How do I explain cancer to my children?
Q. I am the mother of two children, aged eight and 10. Six weeks ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. So far I haven’t told my children and have just said to them that I have been a little sick to explain the trips to the doctor. But now I am due to begin chemotherapy, and with all that entails, I realise I should tell them more now. I am trying to be hopeful about the future and my husband is a great support and we are committed to fighting this together. I am wondering about what to tell the children.
We argue about our aggressive five year old
Q. We are having problems with our five-year-old son who can be pretty rough and aggressive with other kids. Last week the teacher called us in saying he was fighting with other children in his class. At home he can be really stubborn and throws tantrums when he does not get his own way and gives my wife a hard time at home especially when I am not there. My wife, who looks after him full-time at home, is really worried about it and thinks that something is wrong and that we should get him assessed professionally. I am not sure about this.
Coping with Eating Disorders
Q. My 19-year-old daughter was diagnosed with an eating disorder about nine months ago, and has been attending a clinic on an outpatient basis ever since. Although she has made some progress, my husband and I are increasingly worried about her as she refuses to eat the required amount of food the clinic recommends, and is very underweight.
How will 2 year old cope with my overseas job?
Q. I have been offered a role abroad which I am considering taking, but to reduce any upheaval my wife and two-year-old son will remain in Ireland. However, I am concerned as to the effect my removal from my son’s daily life may have and would be grateful if you could let me know what the possible impact of such a move would be on him. I know I will see him every month or so, but I am concerned it may affect him at this early stage of his life.
My son doesn’t want to see his dad
Q. I am recently separated from my husband and have been in the family law court five times trying to sort out access arrangements for our six-year-old son. The court granted an interim protection order against his father due to excessive alcohol consumption mixed with antidepressants, and his behaviour was very distressing to both our son and myself. Following a psychologist’s report, he was granted day access with supervised handover and return.
PARENTING ARTICLES- NOT AGE RELATED
FEATURE – Competitive Parenting – ‘Parenting Wars’
FEATURE – Mental Health Special –‘Look after yourself for the kids sake ‘
My mother-in-law is very opinionated about my parenting
Q. Would you have any advice in dealing with in-laws? I have a three-year-old and a 13-month-old. The problem is my mother-in-law constantly comes over unannounced and she spends lots of time here. It wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn’t always giving her tuppenceworth in how I rear my kids, particularly on how I manage my three-year-old’s tantrums and whinging. Frequently, she makes really critical comments, such as the other morning when she came over and said, “Are they not dressed yet?” to suggest somehow I was disorganised.
How will my husband cope with our clingy baby?
Q: My youngest son, who is 12 months old, is very clingy to me. I am a full-time mum, so he is with me more or less all the time. This is particularly during the evening when he will let only me put him to bed. When his father tries to take over, he can become really distressed and calls out for me. As a result, it has always just been easier for me to put him to bed while my husband settles the two older children.
We’ve separated, How can I make their second house homely?
Q. My wife and I separated recently. There was no one else involved. We have two children (girls) aged eight and six. Both girls are happy where they live with an extensive network of friends. For practical reasons it was decided that I would move out of the family home. I have established myself in a new location about 10 minutes’ drive from the family home. My ex and I have decided that the children should stay with me on Wednesday and Saturday nights.
Can my alcoholic father-in-law be trusted with a new baby?
Q.We are expecting our first child, and as we both work, we have begun discussing the various options available to us for day care. The main issue that has cropped up is how to collect our child from day care around our work schedules. One option is to ask my father-in-law. He is free on weekdays and all too happy to help out. However, he is an alcoholic. He lost his career because of it, and has on numerous occasions let his son down by being drunk.
My toddler wants only to be with one of his parents at a time
Q. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old boy. He is an only child. Both myself and his father are in our early 40s. Sometimes when we are both in the room with him, say the kitchen/ living room, he will ask one of us to leave the room, as in “Go away Mammy/Daddy”, and will slam the door in our face. He will then remain in the room with one of us, if the other person tries to come back into the room he will say, “Get out”. Is this normal?
How do I deal with their mum’s drinking without losing the kids?
Q. You recently wrote about a mother dealing with her ex’s drinking and I wondered how many men are in a similar position. I know I am. Mum drinks at home four or five nights a week, either on her own or with friends. The kids, who are teenagers, are watching this all the time. I protest about it and am told to mind my own business and threatened with separation and/or being thrown out of the house. The kids are now losing patience with it and get very cheeky with their mother when she has had a few drinks.
My 6 year old is overweight, how can i help him?
Q. My six-year-old son has always been a good eater and loves his treats and chocolates (probably a bit more than my other two children). Now with all the focus on childhood obesity, I am worried this might become a problem. He is already a bit overweight compared with his brother, and I want to do my best to avoid this becoming a problem. What is the best way to approach this? I don’t want to make him feel bad or give him a complex about his appearance.
Coping with a fussy eater
Q. Our seven-year-old daughter’s eating habits are causing concern. She is our youngest by six years and, unlike her older siblings, has developed a very limited repertoire of acceptable foods to eat. She resolutely refuses to venture beyond plain pasta and pizza, noodles, chips, cheddar, chocolate ice cream, bread without crusts and smoked salmon. She has never eaten meat or vegetables, and fruit has been limited to a handful of grapes and a couple of apples to date. The consumption of said fruit was an undertaking of marathon proportions.
My son is using cannabis
Q. I think my 17 year old has started using cannabis and I am worried. Last week when I was cleaning his room, I found some of the paraphernalia for smoking cannabis. When I confronted him he went ballistic that I was “searching” his room and then denied he was smoking, before storming off. Since then, he hasn’t spoken to me. I don’t know what to believe. We have caught him using cannabis in the past, about a year ago, and he assured us it was a once-off.
I’m worried my 16 year old is having sex
Q. My 16-year-old son has his first serious girlfriend who is the same age. They seem to be “madly in love” and want to spend every waking hour with each other. This is fine, to a degree, and I remember being in love as a teenager myself, but I am worried that it is all a bit too serious. I am particularly worried that they might have sex and I find myself supervising or chaperoning them when they are in the house to the point that it must be annoying.
Irish Times Seminar with John Sharry ‘Suicide Prevention-What a parent can do?’
My toddler hates getting his hair washed
Q. My son was three last month and he refuses to have his hair washed. He will happily have a bath and loves playing in the water, but once I try to wash his hair he will stand up and scramble to get out of the bath. Usually, I give up trying but his hair becomes so matted that occasionally I force the issue and this ends up in a mess, with his hair half-done and him very upset. I don’t like doing this at all. Is there any way that I can help him to accept or even like having his hair washed?
My child is scared of the bath
Q. My daughter, who is just 11 months old, slipped in the bath the other day and got a scare. I was right there with her at the time so she was fine, just a bit upset. However, now she does not want to get in the bath anymore. I don’t want to force the issue with her, but what can I do to reintroduce the bath to her?
My preschool daughter’s friend is mean
Q: We have a daughter full-time in a creche since she was 14 months old. She will soon be four and she has always been happy there up to the past couple of months. Her “Best Friend” moved up to the Montessori room with her last summer. Coming up to Christmas, there was a period of physical carry-on where my daughter was on the receiving end of occasional slaps and kicks, being hit with toys, etc from Best Friend. At all times the creche stepped in immediately and dealt with it and it phased out fairly quickly.
My son is studying too much!
Q. My son is studying for the Leaving Cert this year. He is a well-motivated student, is keen to do well and has got into a routine of studying every day. Looking in from the outside, you might think that I have nothing to worry about, but the trouble is that I think he might be overdoing the study. Over the past few months he has let most of his extra-curricular activities go and stopped seeing a lot of his friends. We were initially pleased about this but now I notice he is much more stressed and anxious.
My two year old wants me all the time
Q. I have just finished a parenting course and, because of it, I have been giving my children more of my time and attention, and we are having more fun. I have three kids – six years , four years and two and a half years. My problem is with my youngest. He has gone from an independent little boy to one seeking my attention all the time. He follows me everywhere and won’t even stay with his dad. I’ve tried being calm and I try to ignore him when he is hysterical but all he wants is to cling to me. It’s starting to wear me out mentally and physically.
16 year old is very withdrawn and aggressive towards his mum
Q. I am writing to you because I am very concerned about my 16-year-old nephew who seems to have completely withdrawn from the world. His mother is a single parent and is really struggling with him. He spends the whole day in his room playing video games and does not go out or seem to have any friends. He sleeps funny hours and can be up most of the night in his room or watching TV downstairs and then sleeps for hours during the day. In the last school term he missed loads of days at school and seems to have effectively dropped out.
How can I get my 3 year old to be gentle with the new baby?
Q: My three-year-old son can be really aggressive with his little brother (eight months). He seems to get great fun out of upsetting him. It starts out with him being boisterous with his little brother or saying he wants to “play” with him, but then it gets out of hand and I have to intervene. No matter how many times I tell him to stop or to be gentle he still keeps coming back to tease his brother. Lately, I have been worried about leaving the two of them alone in the room together, because when I come back a moment later the baby might be crying.
Alcohol, Drugs and Sex
Thursday 16th May 2013 ‘Helping Children make Good Choices about Alcohol, Drugs and Sex’ IRISH TIMES SEMINAR
Online Bullying
While online social media has revolutionised how we communicate with one another, the fact that it can be used as a forum for personal attacks, intimidation and bullying has been highlighted in recent weeks. Several pertinent questions are raised such as does online social media give rise to a more dangerous form of bullying and what is it about the psychology of online social media that gives rise to bullying in the first place?
My 3 year old won’t stay in his bed at night
Q. We have a three year old who is now sleeping in his own bed but wakes up every night and looks to go to bed with us. We are persistent and bring him to his own bed, but one of us has to sleep next to him until he drifts off – most times we end up sleeping in his bed. How can we resolve this? Because he is not in a cot and sleeps in his own bed he can easily jump out and run into our room. Putting a gate to his bed room door could be an option, but will this go down well?
PARENTING ARTICLES – PRIMARY SCHOOL AGE (5yrs+)
Articles section is currently under construction, for a fuller list use the tag box to the right of THIS PAGE
FEATURE – ‘What to do if you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully.’
PARENTING ARTICLES – BABIES & PRESCHOOLERS
Articles section is currently under construction, for a fuller list use the tag box to the right of THIS PAGE
HELP WITH BEDTIME/SLEEP
FEATURE – Sleep- Finding a way that works for baby and you
How can i get my children to stay in their own beds at night?
Q: Please can you provide me with some tips for keeping my children in their own beds all night? I have two beautiful girls, a four year old and a two year old, perfect in every way, but the constant sleepless nights and bed hopping is beginning to wear us down. How can we ensure that they sleep all night every night? My two year old has a nap during the day, but even if she didn’t nap she would still wake up during the night. We are dead on our legs during the day, our patience is wearing thin and we desperately seek a full night’s sleep.
My daughter won’t go to sleep without us
Q. My four-year-old daughter won’t settle at night. In the evening she won’t go asleep unless I or her father are lying beside her. If I move away or leave her she comes out after me and can scream if I don’t go back to lie with her. Her screaming seems really heartfelt as if she is genuinely anxious about being left alone.
PARENTING ARTICLES – TEENAGERS
Articles section is currently under construction, for a fuller list use the tag box to the right of THIS PAGE
FEATURE – ‘Navigating the Teenager Storm’
FEATURE – ‘Checking In’ with Your Teen
Are long creche hours harming my child?
Q. I am a working mother in a business that expects me to put in long hours. As a result, my 18-month-old son spends long hours in his creche – 7.30am-6pm some days. My husband also works long hours and we try to share the drop-off and collection. I am not totally happy with the situation but my work won’t let me reduce my hours or have flexible working. Like most people we are caught into paying mortgages and bills.
Parenting feature: ‘Positive discipline and managing difficult misbehavior’ by John Sharry
Parents are often confused about how much to discipline their children. There are so many confusing messages out there about what rules you should set for children and when you should let them decide for themselves. Parents are unsure as to whether to let their children express their angry emotions or whether they should insist they keep them in check. A lot of this confusion stems from different models of parenting that have historical origins.
RECENT NEWSPAPER ARTICLES BY JOHN SHARRY
PARENTING ARTICLES Irish Times Parenting Q&As