Neurodiversity and the Family
An Irish Times series by John Sharry

Seek first to understand, then to be understood – Stephen Covey

In the last article we described how neurodivergence is hereditary and neurodivergent (ND) children are much more likely to have ND parents. In this article, we describe how ND people are more likely than non-ND people to partner with and marry an ND person.

While the process of attraction and falling in love is complex, it seems to consist of two main dynamics.

First there is the attraction of similarity – people seek out partners who they feel comfortable with, who have similar interests and shared experiences. ND couples often bond around the shared experience of being different – many have had similar experiences of feeling misunderstood and some have experienced trauma on account of this. This shared vulnerability can intensify a bond.

The second dynamic is about ‘polarity’ or the attraction of opposites. People are attracted to a partner who possesses qualities or strengths that they would like in their life. The falling in love process is often about finding your ‘other half’ or a achieving feeling of ‘completion’ or ‘wholeness’ with the other person in your life.

For ND couples this is often about being attracted to someone who is ‘neurodivergently’ different from you. An autistic person might be attracted to an ADHD person who they perceive as fun, socially gregarious and spontaneous – qualities that they would like more in their life. An ADHD person might be attracted to an autistic person who they see as thoughtful, balanced, and solid – qualities that they also seek in their life.

Real relationships
As long-term relationships progress, most couples experience a ‘falling out of love’ stage. The stresses and strains of everyday life can burst the ‘in-love bubble’ and you encounter the other vulnerable person with all their flaws and weaknesses. Some of the initial attractions that drew them together can fade and even become sources of annoyance, especially when there are clashing needs. The ‘spontaneity’ quality you so initially loved can become annoying and feel ‘disruptive’. Or the ‘organisation’ that you so admired in the early days can suddenly feel like ‘over-controlling’, etc.

This falling out of love is primarily driven by stress and relationship neglect and nothing drives this more than the arrival of children with the extra demands and decrease in personal autonomy that comes with it. Roles have to be renegotiated and new parents have to find new ways of supporting one another as a couple and meeting their own individual needs as well – this is when the work of creating a real loving relationship begins.

Needs and accommodations
When couples come to therapy they often bring a list of complaints about their partners’ attitude or behaviour. They might be frustrated as to why their partner is ‘lazy’ or ‘inconsiderate’, or they may be perplexed as to why their partner needs to ‘control everything’ or why they ‘freak out’ when plans change. They interpret their partner’s behaviour as unreasonable and sometimes even see it as ‘deliberately chosen’ to hurt or annoy them – ‘He is so selfish, he never notices when I am upset and does nothing about it.’

When I meet these couples I invite them to try to compassionately understand the needs that underpin these complaints. Often these flow from their partner having a different neurotype to them. You partner may have alexithymia and not process feelings in the same way as you and so needs you to say directly what you need – ‘I am upset, can I have that hug now?’ Or your partner might become distressed at the sight of mess or untidiness (that you simply don’t notice) – it might agitate their senses and provoke a negative physical reaction. They can feel relaxed and calm only when their personal space is tidy.

In resolving these conflicts, it is does not help to blame or harangue your partner and expect them to change their basic neurotype – this is simply not possible and will only frustrate you further and damage your relationship. The key is to compassionately understand each other’s different needs and then to seek mutual accommodations that work for you both. One couple I worked with divided out household tasks that played to each of their strengths. She did not like ‘wet’ and ‘messy’ tasks – so her husband cleaned bathrooms, washed dirty pans and after-sport laundry to accommodate her sensory preferences.

She did more of the jobs that her husband didn’t have the attention to detail for – such as tidying, organising and clearing accumulated mess. Each prioritised the parts of housework that were relatively satisfying for them. He liked the proprioceptive input from vacuum cleaning and washing up and she liked listening to podcasts and some quiet time while she sorted laundry or cleared cupboards. Understanding each other’s needs and preferences with curiosity and compassion is what made the difference in their relationship.

Self awareness and communication
Being able to identify your own needs and then to communicate them to your partner are the building blocks to a harmonious long-term relationship. This is especially the case for ND couples when their needs may be less apparent to their partner.

For example, one autistic woman I worked with needed to ‘shut down’ for a period of quiet when she arrived home to recover from a stressful day of work. However, her partner (who was possibly ADHD) liked to chat and connect when he came home – he needed to ‘vent’ and talk through the day’s events to regulate and reduce his own stress. As a result he could find her partner’s shutdown as ‘dismissive’ and ‘cold’ and she experienced his pressure to talk as a stressful demand – this frequently led to rows between them. In the therapy we came up with a plan as to how she could communicate her needs to her partner such as:

1. Sitting down and discussing their different needs compassionately in the light of neurodiversity
2. Giving her partner an early signal on an stressful day – she would text in advance ‘I’ve had a terrible day, so will need to lie down for a bit when I come in before I can speak’
3. Explain what he could do to help him – ‘If you give me a hug (silent) when I lie down – that would help me a lot’
4. Try to address his needs if she could – ‘I won’t be able to speak but I can be in listening mode if you want to tell me about your day’
5. Negotiate what they might do later that would meet both of their needs later (eg watch a movie, go out for a walk, etc)

This new direct communication method helped her partner understand what she needed and also get what he needed as well. It also avoided resentment and the misinterpretations that lead to arguments and harm to the relationship.

Viewing relationships through the neurodiversity lens can be helpful for a wide range of couples. Everyone has needs and sensitive vulnerable sides to their personality that are often not validated. Our partner will always be different from us in significant ways and have unique needs that we don’t initially understand. Learning to understand and appreciate our partners needs while articulating our own is the hard work of relationships. Such mutual understanding allows you to connect at a deeper level and creates an enduring bond.

Nurturing your relationship
Nurturing your relationship feels effortless in the early ‘in love’ stages. In mature relationships it takes prioritising and daily effort. Marriage therapists John and Julie Gottman liken a healthy relationship to a bank account – you have to make frequent positive emotional deposits to ensure the relationship has enough credit to sustain the stresses and withdrawals of daily life. Positive emotional deposits include setting time aside for shared passions, trying out fun and novel things together, having daily chatting times, making sure to respond when your partner seek your attention, etc.

For ND couples it is important to consider what represents a relationship deposit for your partner recognising that it could be different from what you initially expect. The Gottmans talk about trying to discover your partner’s ‘love language’, recognising that it could be different from your own. The biggest turn on for one person could be surprising them with an exciting novel date; for another it could be simply cleaning the house before they come home.

Take time to discover what works best for your partner and yourself and find a way to meet in the middle.

This article is the third of a four-part series on “Neurodiversity and Families” originally published in the Irish Times in October 2026. Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here. The final article in the series will be published on Tuesday, Nov 3^rd and looks beyond diagnosis and embracing difference. John writes in the Irish Times every second Tuesday.

John runs a limited number of courses and workshops for parents each year, including ‘Motivating your ADHD Children and Teens’ ‘Parenting Exceptional Children’, ‘Exceptional Parents’ and more. See here for bookings and information.