Parent Question:
My husband and I separated five years ago and our nearly 11-year-old son stays with him every second weekend. His dad collects him from school on the Friday and takes him to school on Monday.

In the last few months, my son has been complaining about going to see his dad. He is not refusing to go yet, just saying he does not like going. When I push him about what is the problem, he says he does not like the long journey (a one-hour drive) and that he “does nothing at his dad’s”. I do think he might be bored and on his video games most of the time there. I think my son also misses some of his sports and friends when he is away, though his dad does take him sometimes.

There has been a lot going on for his dad recently, as his own mother (who he now lives with) has been unwell. I am not sure whether to raise my son’s complaints with his dad or best to just keep encouraging him to go.

Communication between his dad and myself can be difficult and he can be very defensive if I raise any issues about how he manages our son. My son does not want me to tell his dad about his complaints and he does not seem to want to say anything directly to him either – I think he does not want to hurt his dad’s feelings. I don’t like to see him so unhappy going. What do you think I should do?

Answer
Knowing how to best respond when your children complain about their other parent is a delicate matter, especially when you are a separated parent. It is good that your son trusts you enough to share his feelings upset and to air his complaints with you – you don’t want him to feel he has to hide this from you. However, you want to be careful to manage the situation in a way that supports your son and does not increase conflict.

When your son raises the complaint again, listen and encourage him to tell you more about what is going on. Validate his experiences and feelings and do this in a way that does not undermine or blame his father: “I can understand that the journey is long and I’m sorry that you feel bored when you are there.”

Respect that he might not want to share these feelings directly with his father. In fact, you can identify this as a good quality: “I know you are a kind boy and you don’t want to hurt your dad’s feelings.” As you talk, encourage your son to empathise and understand his dad’s perspective: “You know your dad really loves you and wants to spend time with you. He is also worried and busy looking after granny.”

Then explore with your son what changes might help. How would he like things to be different? What would help him feel better visiting his father? For example, perhaps he would like his father to prioritise taking him to his sports or maybe he would like new activity options at his dad’s house. 

Communicating requests for small specific changes (rather than complaints) is likely to come across better to his father and be less likely to hurt feelings.

Improving communication about changes
It is normal for contact arrangements to change over time. As your son enters adolescence he will have different needs and his relationship with both his parents will probably change.

Many adolescents pull back from their parents and want to spend more time with friends and engage in activities away from their parents. Your son’s reluctance to go to his father could be interpreted as part of this adolescence process. This does not mean that your son does not need a relationship with his dad, it just means it is changing. Like fathers of most adolescents, his dad will probably have to work a little harder to stay connected with him. This can be harder for the co-parent who spends less time with the child.

Could you proactively arrange to meet his dad to discuss these issues? Rather than suggesting there is a problem you could simply say: “As our son is 11 and will be starting secondary soon, now might be a good time to discuss how he is doing and to review arrangements.”

To reduce defensiveness when you meet, it can help to mention first what is going well and to first listen to his dad’s views on how his son is doing and how contact is going.

It is your judgment call as to how much to share of his son’s feelings, but I suspect keeping the focus on your son’s needs and framing this positively will mean it wont be experienced as a complaint. Be open to what changes to contact and living arrangements might best help your son as he enters his teenage years.

I appreciate that communicating with an ex-partner can be challenging so do seek more support on how best to do this. Many services such as onefamily.ie provide counselling and parenting courses where you can avail of the support of other parents making the same journey.

John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the School of Psychology, University College Dublin. This parenting Q&A was originally published in the Irish Times in November 2025. John writes in the Irish Times Newspaper every second Tuesday. His website is www.solutiontalk.ie.

John runs regular courses and talks for parents, details are here.